Shells of who we used to be
by livinforcalzona
Summary: Calzona fanfic. Arizona didnt expect to be in the crash. Callie didnt expect to have to make the most horrible decision of her life. Who's to blame when your whole life changes? Arizona blames Callie, but does it mean the love is gone? Never.
1. Chapter 1

**Arizona's POV**

The plane crash had ruined everything.

That single thought consumed every moment of Arizona's life. She hated the world, the unfair, cruel world. She was a good person, a loving mother and a surgeon. She saved lives! She just didn't understand. She knew she should be feeling lucky, because despite everything, Mark and Lexie were gone. They had tried so hard in the forest to keep Mark alone. For someone she had once not wanted to be apart of her plan, Arizona had begged him to stay alive. She had spent night after night, watching him become more and more pale, praying to God to let him survive. They were all doctors, all of them, and they couldn't of saved him. It was infuriating, to know that Callie could have saved her leg, or that Teddy could have saved Mark from the extensive heart and brain damage he suffered. There had been a moment, the night before they were rescued, where Arizona had finally accepted that she was going to die. She had cried all night, holding Mark's head in her lap, wishing that she could have one more moment with Callie before it was all over. She'd screamed at the sky, pleading for her life, whispering "I love you" to Calliope, all the while knowing that they would never reach her.

The helicopter had awoken her from a cold, painful sleep. They had picked them all up, and whisked them to the hospital. Arizona had been in so much shock, because one moment she was dying, and the next moment, her beautiful wife was standing there, tears streaming down her face. Arizona had never wanted to kiss away her wife's tears more then in that moment. Despite the lack of makeup, the puffy red eyes and the pained expression, seeing Calliope in that moment was exactly what she needed to pull through.

Callie hardly left Arizona's bedside. It's as if she feared that by letting go of her wife's hand, she may lose her again. Arizona was in heaven, she thought, only she wasn't, because the pain in her left leg was excruciating and she knew the prognoses was not good. She could see it in Callie's eyes, still brimmed with tears. It did not come as a shock when Callie decided to tell Arizona that the infection was deep into her tissue and bone, and that amputation may be the only option. Arizona didn't want to have one leg. She'd spent too much time around people who'd been fit with prosthetics. She knew how much they hurt, how hard it was to adapt. She'd seen the life leave many people's eyes when they set eyes on the horrid scars and stumps where limbs used to be. That's why she made Callie promise not to let them take her leg. It was an unfair, selfish promise, and Arizona knew that, somewhere deep down. She knew that if it came down to it, Callie would choose life over her leg. But when she woke up from surgery, and her hand came to rest on a stump where her left leg should have been, she couldn't help the uncontrollable rage she felt at the world.

And for some reason, because it was easier to blame her than the plane, or God, or the universe, Arizona started to push Calliope away. Every day, she pushed her, she pushed until she could see the same amount of pain she felt reflected in her wife's eyes. And perhaps she was truly lost, because for some sick reason, the fact that someone else would feel her pain made her feel a little bit better.

**Callie's POV**

When Callie had received the call from Hunt, explaining the situation, her life had stopped. People say you have moments where your life flashes before your eyes in times of pain, and they were right. Hunt was talking, but all she could hear was Arizona's voice, telling her she loved her, calling Sofia their baby. Although it probably took her minutes to get out of the apartment and race to the hospital, it felt like years. Like in those dreams where you're running but you're getting nowhere.

It was worse when she got to the hospital, where Bailey, Owen, Jackson, and Karev all sat around a table, chewing their nails and sitting in silence. The waiting was the worst, because no one had found the plane. No one knew if Arizona or Mark were alive. No one knew anything. When they finally got word that they had found survivors, Callie's heart skipped a literal beat. There was a chance it was Arizona, there was a chance it was Mark! There was a chance that everything she had ever loved hadn't gone down with the plane.

Nothing in life could have prepared her for the moment when she laid eyes on Arizona again. Her wife's bone was sticking out of her leg, her skin was pale and blue, her eyes fluttering and her face bloodied. But Callie had fallen to her knees, tears streaming down her face. She'd never been so happy in her life. Not even when she'd slipped a ring onto Arizona's finger and finally married the love of her life. Because all of her fears, that she would lose her wife, they all flew away. Those beautiful blues were trained on her, and Callie picked herself up and raced to Arizona's side. She held her hand until it was warm again, kissing her over and over again, as if it may be the last time.

The moment wouldn't last though. Because soon there would be surgeons discussing amputation, and her wife would be begging her to promise that they wouldn't take her leg. What was she supposed to do? She promised something she never should have. She knew very early on what the odds were. She was great at her job, but the decision was simple. It was Arizona's life or her leg. And she would love Arizona every day with one leg. She would stand by her. But she couldn't love her, couldn't stand by her if she died. With Mark slipping into a coma a couple doors down, she knew she couldn't lose her wife too. She couldn't face a lifetime of coming home to an empty house, a lifetime without Arizona's beautiful blue eyes and fantastic smile. Those things kept her sane, they kept her going, and without them, she knew she wouldn't make it.

So the decision was made.

And she broke her promise.

And now, Arizona was punishing her. Sometimes she thought this pain was worse than the pain of Arizona dying, because right now, in this moment, it was like watching her wife die, but slowly, painfully, until she was just a shell of the woman Callie loved.

But she wouldn't give up. She'd made one promise she'd always keep.

_I'm not going anywhere._


	2. Chapter 2

**Callie's POV**

It had been months since the accident, and everyday Arizona shifted farther and farther away. They slept as far apart in the bed as they could. While Callie worked to hide from her wife, Arizona refused to leave the apartment. All the surgeries in the world couldn't make Callie forget the hatred in Arizona's eyes everytime she looked at her. She shook her head, pushing away the thoughts. There was paper work to do, always so much work to do.

Across the ER, Bailey watched her with sad eyes. She knew her co-workers could see how tired she was. She knew they wondered why no one had seen Arizona since she was discharged. She didn't have the energy to face them, to cry, to give in. She knew that the second she let it all go, she'd drown under all of the pain. She missed Mark, she missed Arizona. She missed the days where her biggest problems had been Mark and Arizona cooking together and how it was impacting her sex life. Bailey made her way over, and Callie was sure she'd have to throw another lie at her about how she was feeling. Bailey seemed to sense all of this, and she smiled quickly, a smile that said she understood.

"I need an ortho consult. 32 year old woman, fell getting out of the shower."

Callie nodded, glad to have work to take her mind off of her feelings.

"Perfect. Do we need to page Derek for a neuro consult?"

"Woman says she slipped, never lost consciousness. Couldn't hurt to check though."

With that another work day began, and for a few seconds, a few glorious seconds, Callie could almost pretend that nothing had happened. That when she turned the corner, there would be Arizona, smile on her face, blue eyes shinning, as she wheeled around the hospital on her shoes. Then she'd go to the cafeteria and Mark would be there, lecturing Avery.

But it would only last seconds.

**Arizona's POV**

Callie had left in the dead of the morning for work. Arizona knew she wasn't expected to go to work that early, but she always went in early, escaping from Arizona's punishment. Last night, she could hear her wife's sobs through the wall of their bedroom, and despite all of her feelings, she had felt her heart breaking. Because never in her life had she ever wanted to be the reason her Calliope was in tears. She'd promised to be there for her, in sickness and in health. Callie may have both of her legs, but Arizona knew they were both sick. They were poisoned by death and suffering and pain, and there just didn't seem to be a good way out. Some days Arizona thought that maybe she could get out of bed, and some days she would pull herself out of bed and try to clean, or cook. But the second she lost balance or the crutches annoyed her, she holed back up in bed, under the safety of the covers. Callie didn't even leave Sofia at home, because she didn't trust Arizona to care for their baby. It made Arizona even angrier, but somewhere deep in her mind, she understood. She was useless. A useless, scarred, hideous ghost of the person she had once been. She fell asleep, these thoughts circling her mind.

When Arizona woke up, she realized Callie had finally come to bed. She was rolled over on her side, as far away from Arizona as she could be. In the beginning Callie had tried to reach over, to comfort her, but Arizona had pushed her away, again and again, until she had given up. But right now, as tears spilled over, as the pain of the last few months hit her like a million bullets, Arizona wanted to lie in her wife's arms, breath in her scent, feel her heartbeat against her ear. Impulsively, she rolled over to Callie's side, and rested her head on her wife's chest. She sobbed into Callie's neck, wrapping her arms around her waist, wanting comfort after months of pain. At first, Callie didn't wake, and that was okay, because Arizona feared that she'd pushed her away so much that Callie wouldn't want to hold her. However as Callie began to wake, Arizona realized that perhaps they were both equally starved for love and affection. Because Callie didn't push her away. In fact she pulled her in, wrapping her arms around her, stroking her hair. They cried for hours, holding one another, without speaking, until they drifted off into a deep, comfortable sleep.

A perfect sleep, Arizona noted. The first in months. Although they had said nothing, and they were both as broken as before, lying in Calliope's arms gave her hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, she could still be the good man in the storm.

**Callie's POV**

For the first time in months, Callie woke with energy. It wasn't much, because she was tired and hurt, but she had a little energy. Because Arizona had reached out, and although there had been no words, Callie could tell that the walls were finally coming down. When her alarm went off, she waited as long as she could before moving. Arizona looked so peaceful, wrapped up in her arms. Her blonde hair was tousled, but she looked as beautiful as she had on their wedding day. Callie ached to lie here, like this, all day, but she knew she had to get to work. Reluctantly, she lifted herself out from under Arizona, jolting her awake. Arizona's deep blue eyes opened slowly, and although they didn't quite sparkle like they used to, they weren't filled with hatred and anger. Arizona sat up and rolled back to her side.

"I'm sorry I woke you last night." She said, her voice dull. She avoided eye contact, but Callie didn't mind, because for once she wasn't screaming.

"You can wake me up anytime you want to Arizona. I'm here for you, that doesn't change, ever."

Arizona nodded. She didn't smile, but her eyes looked a little brighter.

And after mornings of yelling, screaming, ignoring, of eyes that looked dark and vacant, that small amount of affection gave Callie hope.

Hope that maybe, just maybe, they could make it back to where they'd been.


	3. Chapter 3

**Callies POV**

Callie had expected that after their night of tears and affection, that Arizona would begin making steady improvements. However, she still hid away in her bed, smiling once a day if Callie got lucky. Finally, Callie was forced to face the reality of the situation, that Arizona wasn't pouting, she was depressed. Callie knew enough about depression, she'd sometimes felt that it was reaching up towards her, claws outstretched, waiting to take her down. Somewhere along the way, her bright, bubbly Arizona had given into the monster, had allowed the darkness to fill her mind.

And now it was Callie's job to get her wife back.

It wasn't easy, because Arizona refused to go to therapy, refused to visit the hospital, refused to get a prosthetic. She was essentially refusing to live, which was frustrating. It left Callie feeling like a helpless wife. She had no game plan, no good idea on how to save her wife from her sadness and pain.

There was an even bigger problem. Arizona wouldn't let Callie set eyes on the remainder of her left leg. She covered it at all costs. She only showered when Callie left, only left the bed when Callie was busy with Sofia or making supper. She kept blankets draped over her injury, as if the sight of it might scare Callie away.

Early on, Callie had run her hands over the stump while Arizona slept. She'd just wanted to show her, even unconsciously, that it didn't mean anything. It didn't make her monstrous or hideous, it was a scar, much like the ones Callie sported from the car accident. Scars were not something to hide from, they were signs of life, of battle, of winning against life. Yet Arizona couldn't see this, she wouldn't allow Callie to show her this. It was as if they were both filled with all of these things to say, all of this love to give, but no good way to share it with one another. Callie's therapist at work suggested many different things to try, such as having Arizona hold Sofia, or using her own scars to prove that they do not define us. Arizona shot them all down. On the bright side, atleast now she wasn't yelling anymore. She wasn't glowering at Callie with a white hot rage. But her current state, the blank emotionless gazes into nothing, seemed almost just as bad.

Karev had been driving her crazy lately, pestering her about Arizona, wondering if she was coming back. His guilt was as obvious as Callie's, and they spent a lot of time sitting in silence, thinking. He'd turned into someone who could almost be called a friend. He blamed himself for everything. He'd admitted that to Callie. That everyday he wished he had just got on the plane instead, that he'd stayed at Seattle Grace-Mercy West and stopped this entire whirlwind from happening. Callie knew it was no good, and that he only felt that way because Arizona was the one person who'd believed in him. It was the same as her guilt for amputating Arizona's leg. It had been necessary, but she still felt guilt everyday.

**Arizona's POV**

Callie had no idea, but Arizona was making progress. Every morning, when Callie left for work in the dead of the morning, Arizona got out of bed. She sang in the shower, she talked to her parents on the phone. She attempted to enjoy the little things. She wanted to surprise Callie tonight. She wasn't perfect. No where near. She still cried a couple times a day, she still got frustrated at her balance, still cursed under her breath or lost her energy for hours on end, but atleast she was trying. It's what she had been raised to do. She was doing it for Callie, and she was doing it for her brother. Because she had a second chance where he hadn't gotten one, and he would have upset to see her waste it moping around the rest of her life. Her goal today was to surprise Callie with supper and some candles. She was ordering pizza, because it was easy and it was their thing. The candles proved to be much more difficult. They kept them on the top shelf, which was easy to reach with two feet tip toeing, but one leg made it extremely difficult. It took a lot of sweat and a couple tears to get them down, but accomplishing that task made her feel like she could tackle anything. Her greatest fear was letting people see her disability. She didn't want to be treated differently, she didn't want to be defined by it. Yet even when Callie looked at her, she knew all she could see was her stupid stump leg.

She wanted to surprise Callie for two reasons. The first was simple, she wanted to apologize. Apologize for all the screaming and the blaming and the anger. She wanted to give Calliope just one evening of rest from the worry and the guilt. The second reason she was doing this was simple. She wanted to prove to herself that she could. That she could still function, that her stupid stump leg wasn't enough to hold her down. She figured if she could make herself feel less weak, she could get up the energy to tackle the rest of her life with this disability.

**Callies POV**

When Callie walked through the door after a long day at work, she was surprised to smell pizza. Ordering pizza wasnt hard, even with one leg Arizona could easily do it, but Arizona hadn't had the energy to want anything lately. Candles had been set out, creating a romantic glow, and Callie couldn't help but smile, because she had a feeling Arizona had been planning something amazing for her. She was suddenly really glad that Bailey had offered to watch Sofia for the night, and realized that Arizona had probably called her. Her smile was broken when she heard a crash and a loud bang coming from their bedroom. Callie raced to the bedroom and threw the door open. The room was lit with candles, but that wasn't what drew her attention. Arizona sat crumpled on the floor, a pizza box overturned on the ground next to her, her crutches thrown across the room. Arizona hardly seemed to notice Callie make an entrance, as she sat sobbing on the floor. Callie rushed to her side, pulling her into her arms.

"Hey, hey. What's wrong sweetie?"

Arizona spoke through her tears.

"I tried so hard! I wanted to do something special...to...to...say I'm sorry. But I'm tired... and I fell over... and now...the...the pizza is ruined! I can't even do this right!"

The pain in her voice shattered Callie's heart and she pulled Arizona tighter, even as she struggled to pull away.

"Arizona..."

But Arizona was upset, and annoyed, and she was pulling away, struggling against Callie. She struggled until Callie got tired. Tired of letting her hurt, tired of watching her suffer.

"Stop!" Callie screamed, grabbing a firm hold on her wife. "STOP!"

Arizona turned her body and faced Callie, who refused to let go of her. Her blue eyes were wild with so many emotions it was overwhelming, but Callie refused to let go. Because behind it all, behind all of the pulling away and the fighting, she could see Arizona dying to come out.

"I can't stop Callie! I can't! Because it took me six hours to do all of this! I kept getting tired, I kept falling over! I am TIRED! I just wanted a nice night and I can't even do that! I can't even go back to my old life, because I can't move, and I can't be a surgeon, and people died! They died and I was there. I am tired and I am scared. I am scared every second of my life! I'm scared every second you walk out of the door because theres buses and cars and people die every single day! I'm tired of being scared but I can't STOP! I can't stop!"

Arizona broke down again, tears streaming down her face, her eyes puffy and red. Callie couldn't help the tears that fell from her eyes, because of her wife's pain, but also because of the entire situation. Because it was ridiculously out of their reach. Because no matter what, planes crashed, and accidents happened.

"Arizona, you can be scared. Being scared is okay, being scared is being alive. I know scared, and I know death. George got hit by a bus, Percy and Reid got shot, Mark and Lexie died in a plane crash. Accidents happen and it's okay to be scared! I'm scared every single day for you, because I love you and I don't ever want to lose you. But you can't stop living because you're scared. Because you're just..you're losing who you were. The Arizona I knew was fearless, and brave, and despite anything, she was optimistic. That is how you survive fear. By being exactly who YOU ARE! Who I fell in love with. You can be scared, you can be tired, but you can't let those things change you Arizona, because who you are, who you really are, it didn't change when you lost your leg. Your leg has nothing to do with who you are to me. I love you more today than I did yesterday, and that will always be true because of who you are. Not because of your leg."

Callie paused, to catch her breath, to look at Arizona, who was quiet now, staring at the remainder of her leg. When she looked up, her blue eyes had never been clearer. They stared at one another for what seemed like hours, both challenging and accepting one anothers feelings.

And finally when Arizona spoke, her voice was quiet and soft, like she was afraid to speak too loudly.

"I want to be me again, Calliope. I just...I don't know how to get there from here. I don't know how to get up off of this floor and fight the scared and the tired."

And so Callie let go of her hold on Arizona's wrists, and stood up, extending her hand out to her wife.

"You hold onto me, and I'll pull you up. I promise."


	4. Chapter 4

**Callies POV**

Before the other night, before Arizona's breakdown, Callie had been crashing off of the highest mountain, with no ground below. That's how it had felt. She'd walked on eggshells, cried every night. She'd been happy only in her dreams, in the few hours where her mind allowed her to see Arizona for who she was, deep down. Happy, brave, good, and absolutely beautiful. Inside and out.

Now, she was riding a rollercoaster. The problem with rollercoasters was that moment at the top, where you can see the bottom stretching out below, but you feel perfectly save, just for a split second, dangling over the edge. That was how she felt now. Some days she was dangling on the edge, one small push away from falling. She knew without a doubt that eventually, even if she fell, she'd be back up at the top, but the bottom, that insane, plummeting feeling at the bottom, it was enough to make her wonder which feeling was worse.

Some mornings she woke up to find that Arizona had rolled over to her side of the bed, and those mornings her heart swelled and she gazed at Arizona with all the love a person could feel. And while Arizona slept, while her face was relaxed, when she wasn't working so hard to hide her leg, Callie could relax. She could breath in her wife's intoxicating scent and run her fingers through beautiful blond hair. Some mornings, when Arizona's piercing blue eyes finally opened, they were momentarily clear as the sky after a thunderstorm. Those were the moments that propelled Callie. They drove her through the days where the thunderstorm raged. She knew Arizona was holding on, she knew she was fighting, and she didn't doubt that one day this would all be behind them, but sometimes, she wished she had a fast forward button.

It was wearing her down, and she missed her wife.

**Arizona's POV**

She'd started smiling. Callie had started smiling. It wasn't often, but once in awhile, Arizona saw a smile. It's what kept her pushing, kept her going, because sometimes she lashed out. But if she could get Callie to smile, every couple of days, then the darkest part had passed.

Arizona wasn't driven by anger anymore. Anger hardly drove her at all. She no longer blamed Karev. She no longer blamed Callie. She knew, she understood now, that it was noones fault. Karev would have taken the fall for her if he could have, she knew that. And Callie would have saved her leg is she could have. They were all just victims of a terrible accident. Her problem was that she was driven by fear. This uncontrollable fear. When Callie asked, she would lie, say that she was afraid to never walk again, afraid to get on planes, afraid of nightmares. And she was, but it was so much more then that.

She was afraid of Callie. She was so afraid that Callie would set eyes on that mess of a stump hanging off her body and run. She knew it was crazy, that Callie loved her, but she was petrified. She froze when Callie got within inches of it. She only reached out when she was crying, or sleeping. She hated for Sofia to be near it. She wanted to cover it and never ever show the world. It was silly, and she knew it, but she couldn't help it. What if flinched? What if she recoiled? Arizona was PETRIFIED. Every part of her froze when Callie got too close. Her body recoiled against human contact. But inside she was aching to be close to her wife. There was nothing she wanted more then to reach over and pull Callie against her, to kiss her and touch her. But she couldn't, because she kept freezing. She was at war with herself, and she was feeling the effects of the crossfire.

And that's exactly what she wrote in her journal. She wrote exactly that. And then she closed the cover, wobbled off the bed, and slid the journal under the mattress. At first she had hated the idea of a journal, because she'd never been much of a "write your feelings in book" kind of person, but her psychologist had assured her that it would help. And it did, because it let her feelings out.

And she needed to talk to someone, even if it was just to herself.

**Callies POV**

Callie met with Arizona's psychologist, Dr. Chan, every week. They discussed Arizona's progress, as well as Callie's struggles. Callie dropped Arizona off at her PT appointment. She considered going for a kiss on the cheek, but when she leaned in, Arizona recoiled as if she'd been shot. But Arizona was in a good mood today, and she made eye contact.

"I...I'm sorry Calliope." She sounded sincere. She had even used her full name, which was rare. Scared, frozen, but sincere. And sincerity was good enough for now, Callie decided.

"Hey, Arizona, it's okay. I didn't mean to push you...it's just.. habit. I'm sorry too."

She smiled a half smile before heading of towards psych for her appointment.

Dr. Chan greeted her with a warm smile and closed the door behind them.

"How is Arizona doing?" He asked.

"Oh, she's good. She smiled a couple times this week. And she's doing great with the prosthetic. She's even been rolling over to my side of the bed every once in awhile!" Callie used her best smile, but she knew Dr. Chan saw right through her. It was his job to.

"And how do you feel, Callie?"

"Glad she's improving. So pretty good I guess."

Doubtful look.

"Callie, how do you really feel? This is a safe place, remember? A safe place to break down, help you to understand your emotions so that eventually you can discuss them with Arizona."

Callie sighed.

"I'm tired. That's all I feel. Tired. Tired of working, and raising Sofia. Tired of missing Mark and missing Arizona. Tired of waking up in the middle of the night and missing sleep just to watch her in a peaceful state. It's tiring."

"Have you and Arizona discussed anything real lately? Anything about your emotions?"

Callie thought back to the meltdown Arizona had had on their bedroom floor.

"She... she broke down, day before the last. She said... she said she was scared of being tired. She kept crying. But she let me hold on, eventually. She let me hold her."

"That's good. That is a huge step for Arizona. She is struggling through some intense emotions right now, coming to terms with her new life. It's right for her to feel tired and scared. But the important thing is that she TOLD you."

Callie smiled. They discussed everything further, but by the time Callie stopped by to pick up Arizona, she was in a better mood. Her talk with Dr. Chan had made her realize how big a step the other night had been, and for now she was grateful.

**Arizona's POV**

Arizona hated when Callie saw her after her PT appointments. She was always a mess. All sweat and frustration. She had long ago accepted that she would never be sexy again, but this was just pushing it. Her goal for today was balance. She could take one step, maybe two, with the prosthetic, but she lost her balance a lot. The goal for today was to walk. So she worked, and worked, and worked. She lost track of time, deep in thought, ignoring the trainers words of encouragement. She thought of how frustrated Callie had been when she'd been re-training her brain, and she understood it fully now. Arizona was so lost in thought, she never realized that Callie had arrived, and was watching her.

There was only a split second, between Arizona looking up and locking eyes with Callie before the walls came up, and Callie shut down, but in that moment, in that split second that Arizona had caught Callie watching, she had not seen disgust. Not recoil, not fear or anything close to that. She was seeing the brightest eyes. Eyes that were filled with such an intense love that Arizona felt like her heart could stop. They were eyes filled with memories of pizza in bed, kisses in stairwells, declarations of love and a beautiful wedding.

And so it was relief, not pain or fear, that sent her tumbling to the ground.

The drive home was relatively quiet. The radio played Callie sang along. Arizona closed her eyes and enjoyed the sound of her wife's voice. Replayed that moment in the hospital over and over again in her mind. Callie hadn't recoiled, hadn't been in any way scared away by the sweat and the massive metal hunk of a leg. She may not have seen the stump, but this was a start.

"Arizona?" Callie asked quietly, her eyes focused on the road ahead.

"Mmmm." Arizona answered, turning her head to face Callie.

"I like when you roll over to my side of the bed when you sleep." It was said as a statement, and Arizona could tell Callie didn't want or need a response. She knew Callie didn't expect one. But she DESERVED one, and Arizona knew that. So she whispered a response, so quiet that Callie only barely heard her.

"I do too."


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you to everyone who is posting such nice and positive reviews :) I actually legitimately cried while writing part of this chapter! Enjoy! **

**Callies POV**

Arizona and her had settled into an almost bearable routine. Arizona still refused to let Callie see or touch anywhere near the remainder of her left leg. She did however, roll over nearly every night and sleep with her head resting on Callie. After the months of screaming and fighting, this simple change in routine had given Callie a fresh burst of energy. She was less tired, she slept more, and she worried less. She was even thinking about asking Arizona if she wanted to take care of Sofia for a day, but part of her was sure she wasn't ready. There was still a very real chance that Arizona would shut down. It happened a lot still. One moment she had energy, and she was trying so hard, and the next she was screaming insults and ignoring Callie. She was unpredictable, and Callie didn't want that to lead to hurting Sofia. She knew that when Arizona got back to herself, and she said when because she refused to believe her wife would always be like this, that she would struggle to deal with the pain of hurting her daughter and Callie didn't want her to have to deal with that.

Arizona was already frustrated this week, because she was annoyed with having to go to the psychiatrist three times a week. She wanted to go once. Callie had no idea why it made a difference, but she didn't fight Arizona on it. She knew Arizona would go, because she was stubborn as all hell and she'd want to prove to Dr. Chan that she was deserving of one appointment a week. Callie was frustrated with Dr. Chan as well. He refused to discuss his current treatment strategy, kept saying it wasn't important for her to know. But she was curious, and she wanted to know what he was doing. Because instead of having seven bad days in a week, Arizona was having five bad days a week. And those two days where she was almost half herself, they were like a rainbow. Beautiful, bright and shinning. And Callie couldn't wait for the moment when she had seven good days.

**Arizonas POV**

Dr. Chan was an idiot. That was her thought as she swung down to his office on her crutches. She wasn't good enough with her prosthetic alone yet to walk long distances, but the crutches gave her a better chance at moving around quickly. She'd insisted Callie let her make her way here on her own. Although Callie had agreed, she was sure she was somewhere behind her, lurking behind a corner, making sure she made it. A month ago, that would have pissed her off because she had hated Callie treating her like a child, but now it brought a tiny smile to her lips. Because despite everything Callie still WANTED to check to make sure she was okay, and considering how big a bitch she was eighty percent of the time, that was a big deal.

Dr. Chan was waiting for her with the door open, as per usual. Arizona tossed him a glare and settled onto the couch. He was well aware that she didn't like coming to see him three times a week. She'd made her feelings perfectly clear. It wasn't that she didn't want to make progress, she just got tired of talking. Tired of being in the woods everytime he opened his mouth. She was tired of seeing Mark's pale face, hearing Christina attempt to scare animals away from Lexies dead body. And she dealt with those memories the only way she knew how. She hid them, pushed them away, buried them, and three times a week when he pulled them back out and made her relive them, she hated him. She knew one day she'd need to explain to Callie that she had loved Mark. That she had really not wanted him to die. That she hadn't needed to go to the funeral because they'd said their goodbyes in those woods, and those goodbyes were the ones that counted to her.

"_I don't think we're making it out..." Arizona had whispered, her voice quiet and hoarse from lack of water._

"_I can't...believe...she's...gone..." Mark had said slowly, his eyes closed, his hand clasping Arizona's firmly._

"_I know...I know. I'm never going to see her again Mark..I'll never see her again.." Arizona had cried, openly, sharing in Mark's pain. Because he was her family, her brother, her co-parent, and they were stuck here to die._

"_She...She loves you...so...much..think about that...it's...it's what's...getting me through...Lexie knew...she knew...too late...she knew..." Mark rambled, squeezing Arizona's hand weakly. Arizona could feel the heat starting to leave their bodies. They were shivering, and the fire had died. In that moment, in that moment she knew what she had been ignoring. That this would be the last night. That tomorrow morning, when the sun rose, she and Mark would not see it. She would never see Callie again, her Calliope, or her daughter. So she cried, cried as much as she wanted, because it would be the last time she cried._

"_Mark?" She whispered through her tears._

"_Mmmmm." He muttered, his grip on her hand loosening by the minute._

"_I think we both...we both know what's going to happen tonight. So I need to tell you...I need to tell you that I love you. Okay? I love you and I'm happy that you're Sofia's dad. I never told you that and you need to know."_

_Mark had managed the tiniest of a smile, followed by a weak raspy cough. When he recovered, he spoke clearly._

"_I love you too Robbins. You're like a sister to me. You gave Callie everything she ever wanted. Everything. She was dreaming about you for so long..."_

_He paused to breath, slowly, painfully, before continuing._

"_When she walked down that aisle.. towards you...it's like we all...disappeared, I disappeared and it was just you and her. So thanks for that, for giving her even a short lifetime with the love of her life. I wish I could have given it to Lex..."_

_And they had both cried until they fell asleep, sure that they'd never wake. _

_And then the helicopter had arrived._

_**Callies POV**_

When Callie picked Arizona up from her appointment, Dr. Chan asked her to step in and chat for a second. Making sure that Arizona was comfortable waiting outside, she slipped in.

"Is everything okay?" Callie asked worriedly.

"Arizona went somewhere today. She was sitting here and all of a sudden she clouded over. And when I got her attention again, she made a breakthrough. As you know, Arizona and I have been working together in a special way to deal with her emotions, with the end goal of opening up communication between you both in a healthy way."

Callie nodded, worried about Arizona, who hadn't spoke once when Callie had arrived.

"For the last little while, I've been making her think about all the memories she suppressed. If they were too painful to say, that was okay. But she needed to remember them, and deal with them properly. In order to do that, we began having her write absolutely every feeling she couldn't express into a journal."

"A journal?"

"Yes. A journal. That way, she could communicate, express herself, but she didn't need to worry about anyone else judging her until she was ready."

Callie thought about it, and decided it was a great idea. Arizona was a private person, and she would have liked to write for her own eyes.

"As you know, Arizona is adamant about reducing her meetings to once a week."

Callie laughed.

"Yeah, she can be pretty stubborn."

"I told her that I would oblige, under one condition."

Dr. Chan reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a small black leather notebook.

"That, if she is ready to move on, she give you her journal to read."

Callie was not prepared for this. Because it was huge. Because she didn't even know if she was ready or even comfortable with reading her wifes most intimate thoughts and feelings.

"I can't. It's hers! It's not mine to read." Callie objected.

"Arizona has chosen to pass this along to you. She made the call. She's been saying no for weeks, but today, she went somewhere, remembered something, and when I got her attention back, she wanted you to have it."

Callie shook her head.

"No! I can't! It's like snooping. It's hers!"

"Callie, if you want to rebuild a normal life with Arizona, you need to know these things. These are the thoughts, the feelings that scare her, that haunt her. And she cannot deal with them alone. She needs you to understand, even if it is secondhand, what she went through, what she is going through. Until you read this, you won't know, and she will continue to hide her thoughts and feelings from you because it's easier then facing them. She needs you now Callie, she needs you right now, to be strong and share her struggle."

For a reason she did not understand, Callie sobbed as she slowly reached out and grabbed the journal. It felt so heavy in her hands, full of so many thoughts and feelings Callie was sure she couldn't even begin to understand.

"Okay." She said. She nodded to Dr. Chan, who nodded back. She tucked the journal in her purse, and left his office.

Outside Arizona sat, staring straight at her. Without speaking they both understood what had happened, and fear was reflected in both their eyes. But it was pointless to discuss, because Callie had not read the journal, and Arizona would rather ignore it until she needed to discuss it. So they drove home in silence. Even when Callie parked the car. They did not speak. They just stared at one another, because here it was. The big moment. Where Callie would enter Arizona's world, where everything changed. So Callie reached out, and took Arizona's hand into her own. At first Arizona's was stiff, almost cold. But she eventually squeezed Callies hand, and even though there were no words, that was enough.


	6. Chapter 6

**Callies POV**

Arizona had long ago gone to bed. And Callie sat on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, holding that little leather journal in her hands. She'd sat like this for hours, afraid to open the book, afraid to read. She knew she had to, she wanted Arizona back and she needed to do this for her. But she was scared. She had no idea what was in that book. Although Arizona hadn't immediately gone to see Dr. Chan, she had been going for a good amount of time now, and she expected a lot of anger would be in this journal. She took a last sip of her glass of wine, close her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened the first page.. And with that, Callie began her journey into Arizona's world.

_Day 1_

_PISSED._

_That's my word of the day. Dr. Chan wants me to write in this stupid thing, and since Callie is annoying the hell out of me making me go to these appointments I may as well write shit in here. _

_So yeah. I'm pissed. Because I'm hungry but I don't want to move because my useless ugly stump make everything pointless. Callie is always telling me all this crap about me being back in the OR room someday and it's crap. Total crap. So yeah, I'm pissed. Callie. Just hacking off peoples legs like she's god._

_Day 4_

_It's stupid, because Callie cut off my damn leg and I know it was to save my life. But I guess I don't really see the point in being alive anymore. I can't do anything. I can't protect her. Can't protect Sofia. Everyone in my life dies or gets hurt, and I can't stop it. So whats the freaking point? She's better of without me, because I'm trying to hurt her. I want to hurt her. It makes me feel better. And that makes me a pretty horrible person right? Arizona Robbins, class A bitch._

_Day 7 _

_Last night I was sleeping... only I wasn't. And Callie touched me. She touched it. That sick, monstrous excuse for a leg stump she created. And I want to be pissed because she cut the damn thing off...only I miss her. It's like.. I miss her and I hate her, and I don't know how to deal with both. Last night she was running her hand over it and saying the most wonderful things and I can't ever decide if I want to run, or scream, or turn around and cuddle with her. It's frustrating. I wish she'd just keep her hands to herself when we sleep, then I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. Because none of it matters, because I'm still gross, and I still can't do anything useful, because Callie cut off my leg, and it's all her fault. She was mad at me a couple days ago because I didn't go to Marks funeral. I'm not telling her why. She doesn't need to know and it's none of her damn business. I said goodbye. So she does not get the right act all self righteous and speech me about the importance of being there. I WAS THERE! I WAS THERE WHEN HE WAS DYING! She's acting like I never cared, like I'm heartless and I probably am, but when he was dying in the damn woods and I was dying in the damn woods, I was there for him. So she should just stop while she's ahead and leave me the hell alone._

_Day 9_

_The nightmares are back. Just when I think I'll get a break from anger and fear, I'm back on the plane. Just for a second. And Mark is alive and Lexie is alive and nobody died on me! And I have my leg... god I have my leg back and I wish I could just live in that moment, in that split second before that plane plummeted to the ground. And then I'm lying there, screaming, because my leg hurts so bad, and I don't know where Mark is, I don't know where Lexie is, or Derek. But Christina is freaking out about a shoe. A shoe! Like her shoe matters at all when we just crashed out of the freaking SKY! I had to splint my own leg. Do you know how much that hurts? I almost passed out. And then I couldn't stop laughing, because Callie is an orthopedic surgeon, and it was just a huge disgusting joke the universe it playing. Like ha ha Arizona, why don't we kill your brother, then kill Nick, and you know what? How about crash your plane and break your femur and make you laugh because your wife can fix it! I waited for so long until I got news. Until I got the news that Lexie was dead. I hardly knew Lexie, I mean I knew her, but not well. But she was dead. Gone. Just like that. How is that fair? She was young, and sweet and dead! What is this disgusting thing where the universe takes away young people from us. It's cruel! And then finally they got Mark to me, and he's dying just like that. Just like that. And I spent half of the time I knew him disliking him but just when I start to LOVE him, he's dying on me._

_So tell me, why should I get out of bed? When I live in a world where whoever's in charge is killing good people and saving bad ones. _

_Day 13_

_I've been rolling over towards Callie when I have nightmares. I keep waking up so warm, feeling so safe, and then I remember that I'm mad at her because she messed up my life. Only I'm not even that mad anymore, I just don't really know how to be anything other than angry. And Callie doesn't even try anymore, she just climbs into bed and onto her side and I do the same. I can't even remember what it feels like to kiss her, because the thought does nothing for me right now. I do know that in the split second when I wake, before I realize I have one leg and I'm mad, that I feel absolutely and endlessly safe in her arms. It might just be my mind finally going crazy, because that's entirely possible since all I do is cry and yell and dream of people dying, but I swear Callie holds on when I roll over there. Could I be crazy? I probably am. Why would she even want to hold me. She probably wishes Mark lived instead of me. Sometimes I wish Mark lived instead of me. He probably wouldn't be such a monster, inside, and especially out. I wish that I could give Callie what she wants, but I can't. I don't want to try. It's all too much work, and I'm way too tired._

Callie took a break to gather herself. She couldn't help the tears that came as she read, as she imagined her wife sitting at home thinking these thoughts everyday. She was only halfway, and it was overwhelming. There was so much hatred in those pages. So much deep rooted hatred in those pages. It made it worse because she still saw it sometimes in Arizona's eyes. She'd known all along Arizona had been in a dark place, but she had never imagined that she'd thought the things she'd thought. She had to keep reading though, because she needed to know the story. She needed to know the story so she could rebuild her life with Arizona.

_Day 15_

_Last night I rolled over to Callies side. And she woke up. And she didn't pull away. We cried. And cried. I can't believe that she would even want to hold me. I'm trying so hard to swim, to stop drowning, but it's like I can't, like waves keep crashing down on me and threatening to take me down once and for all. She's the only thing keeping me afloat and I keep tossing her away and pulling her back. She looks so tired. So tired. I've never seen her this worn down. And its me, I'm doing it to her and I can't fix it! I can't fix everything! I can't bring Mark back and I can't make her happy... But I can try. I can try. I have to try to hate myself less, hate everything less. I have to do it for Callie. Because she's starting to get this blank look in her eyes, and I never want to see that. I refuse to continue to make her anything but Callie. Sweet, caring, compassionate, lively Callie. And right now she's auto-pilot Callie. And if she's auto-pilot Callie, the world is missing out on the most wonderful person on the entire planet. I've known since the day I met her that she's an angel. She's got this heart that's so big, sometimes I wonder how it fits in her chest. When she looks at you, she's really looking, you know? She's paying attention. She's the opposite of me. Or who I used to be. I used to be happy, like her. But I was also stubborn and selfish. Now that my old happiness is all gone, now that I feel absolutely nothing inside, all I am is angry and selfish and stubborn. And who in their right mind would continue to love someone as messed up as me? So I have to try. I have to try to feel something. For her. And for Mark, because he doesn't get this shot at life with the love of his life._

_Day 17_

_She pulled me up. Off the floor. She pulled me. She wanted to pull me up. I feel horrible because most of the time I hate her. I just wish she would disappear sometimes, just give me space. She's always there, just worrying and nosing her way in and I NEED SPACE! She just doesn't get it. She doesn't get what it was like when bugs were living IN MY LEG! When it got so cold I couldn't feel my fingers. She doesn't know a damn thing! How can she possibly hold me up when she doesn't know crap about anything. She's got her legs! She's nightmare free! She didn't sit there in a pool of her own pee, swatting bugs out of her open leg, listening to animals rip Lexie apart. It was horrible. That Lexie didn't even get to rest in peace. If Arizona had had two legs she would have planted herself there with a stick and beat those animals to death. Because Lexie DESERVED to be buried, with all of us there, and she deserved not to be torn to shreds right next to the love of her life, who was dying in my arms. Callie sees the world as this bright, bubbly place, and I used to, but I can't. Not after this crash. It was WRONG. It was wrong to drink pee, it was wrong what happened to Lexie, it was wrong that Christina had to pick INSECTS out of Derek and I's wounds. And no matter how hard she tries Callie can never be in those woods. She can never feel the things we felt, hear the things we heard. She will never see the look on Mark's face hours after Lexie died, as it all sank in. She will never be in that forest. And I am forever stuck in that forest, every night I am stuck in that forest watching people die and feeling myself die. So how exactly should I expect that she's going to "pull me up". It's a pathetic attempt at helping in a situation where she cannot help. _

Callie decided to stop there for awhile. Because she was about to throw up. She had no idea that...that had happened to Lexie. The thought of it made her stomach church and her head spin. She couldn't even imagine what went through Mark's mind as he listened to that happening. For the first time since the accident, she had a sudden feeling that Arizona was coping WELL. But a part of her was pissed, too. Because it wasn't her fault she wasn't there. It wasn't her fault that she hadn't been on that plane. None of it was her fault either, so why was Arizona blaming her so much! She was filled suddenly with an anger she hadn't allowed herself to feel to date. It wasn't fair to her either! Arizona hadn't even tried to understand what Callie was going through. Sure, she was realizing Callie was tired, but did she even write about Callie's struggles? Did she think about how it was so have a wife that hated her, a crying kid who misses her dad, and a full time job paying the bills on top of that? Nope, not one single word. It was all about Arizona and her anger and her healing. What about her own freakin' healing? Nobody said shit about her own healing, and she needed it! The more she fueled her anger the more it grew, as if everything for the past months was erupting at once.

So she put down the journal. And she stood up. She was waking Arizona, and she was doing it now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Arizona's POV**

She was awoken by Callie slamming the door and shaking her awake. She was immediately angry, because she was tired and sore and Callie had no right to bother her.

"What?" She snapped, rubbing her sleepy eyes and blinking away from the harsh light.

Callie held up the journal, waving it in the air like that meant something. Arizona just stared at her, confused and annoyed written all over her face.

"What? What? How about we have a little discussion about whats in this journal!" Callie shouted. Her anger stirred nothing inside of Arizona, who was usually all for a fight, but was currently tired.

"I'd rather not. I'm tired." Arizona snapped. She was in no mood to discuss her feelings and all the annoying problems Callie had with her at three in the morning.

"Oh no. Don't you dare turn away Arizona. I mean it." Her voice wasn't loud, but her tone made Arizona pause. Callie eyes were smoldering, and Arizona could tell she was in no mood to back down. Until this moment, Callie hadn't been this stern with her, if anything she'd allowed Arizona to walk all over her.

"Fine. Talk away." Arizona muttered, yawning. She hoped her casual tone would end the discussion, but Callie's eyes widened with an even deeper rage. _Oops,_ Arizona thought.

"No. You do not get to belittle my feelings anymore. That is done. This is not my fault Arizona!"

Arizona laughed.

"You cut off my-" She began, but she was interrupted by an angry hand gesture and a look from Callie.

"I cut off your leg, yes, to save your damn life! Which apparently-" She waved the journal in Arizona's face "you'd rather have lost! I mean really? You'd rather I was here, all alone in this stupid apartment ALONE? Because you know what that sounds like to me? That sounds like the most selfish, horrible thing I've ever heard. So why don't you enlighten me here Arizona, because I'm really trying to get a handle on this!"

Callie had hit a nerve, and Arizona shot up, moving closer to Callie and sitting up as high in the bed as she could. She set her jaw and didn't even have to think about her next words. They were automatic, they were the result of many thoughts that she had decided were true.

"Don't lie to me Callie, I'm sure you wish you had Mark here right now, not me."

Callie froze. Arizona watched the emotions flash across her face; bewilderment, hurt, anger, ending in a heartbreakingly awful look of defeat. She ran her fingers through her hair, closing her eyes. Arizona had no idea what to do. She was torn. The part of her that she could no longer control, the angry part of her, was proud, because that part of her finally felt understood. But the part of her that she couldn't seem to get a grip on, the part of her that she knew Callie had fallen in love with, it wanted to reach up and pull Callie down with her to cry and mend this horrible pain. The problem was that the anger was dominant, it was always there, beating down on the old Arizona. It had gone on for so long and she'd said so many things that the old Arizona seemed like a sad old memory.

She imaged that that was what was running through Callies mind, and she held her head in her hands. She imaged that Callie was seeing the life they had once had, so full of love and friendship and understanding. As much as Arizona reached wildly for the part of her that ached for her wife, for the will to fight, she couldn't reach it. She had tried so hard, but it was a losing battle from the beginning. She had too many traits that made this recovery impossible. She was too independent, too stubborn, and now that she had to depend on people, she was being swallowed alive into a pit of anger and despair.

When Callie's eyes opened, they were blank. The old Arizona would have been frightened, but the monster that was in the situation right now, was not. Because Callies lifeless gaze mirrored the one she saw everytime she looked in the mirror. The defeat, the pain, it was not new to Arizona. It greeted her everytime she looked at herself. Arizona knew, somewhere inside her, that if she ever snapped out of this, that that look in Callies eyes would destroy her. But the beauty of her current state was that she'd given up on caring. It was easier to feel nothing, to be nothing. Callie stared at her for what seemed like forever, blank, emotionless, before she finally spoke.

If a voice could sound blank, that's what her voice sounded like. Like it didn't belong to a human being. Like a robot or some other computer creation. There was nothing to it. No anger, no love, nothing. It was chilling, and it was the only thing that got Arizona's attention. Because the little part of her, the kind Arizona part of her, was still there, just a tiny bit, and it reacted. It was like being at war, Arizona noticed. Her mind was at war. Care, don't care, fight, don't fight...her mind was blowing itself up trying to decide which person to be. In odd moments, like the current one, the good Arizona fought to surface.

"I won't do this. I will not raise my daughter in a broken home full of all of this...this hatred. The person you are, yeah, I'm saying are. The Arizona that I married, she is in there. And if one day she happens to surface, even just a little, come find me, and I'll help get her back. But I will not be pushed around, I can't do it anymore. I am going to lose my own mind, I'm going to collapse. I am tired. And I have a child to think about."

Her words angered and hurt Arizona. The angry part of her is what kept her jaw tight and her eyes smoldering. Anger always won out in the moment. Maybe later she would process, right now she couldn't. She was consumed with an unshakable rage.

"I'll be at Mark's. I will make sure that a home nurse takes care of what you need."

For a split second, the wall cracked, the emotionless facade broke, and tears brimmed in Callies eyes, and her eyes reflected a love that was so intense, it took Arizona by surprise.

"I'll always love you. You. The you that got on the plane, not the one that woke up with one leg. You should know that. That I loved her."

And with that she turned and walked out the door, closing the door softly behind her. Arizona was aware of small cries as Callie woke Sofia, and then the sound of the front door closing, and keys locking a door.

And then she was alone.

**Callies POV**

When Callie got Sofia to sleep and curled up in Marks bed, she couldn't help the sobs that overcame her. Because she'd just left Arizona, but also because his bed still smelt of him, and in this moment, in this insane moment of pain and loneliness, she couldn't stand to think of how he was dead.

How had her life gotten to this point? Three months ago she'd had it all. An amazing best friend, the most adorable daughter, and the most beautiful and loving wife. She'd woken up every morning, wrapped up in Arizona, so content she could have slept forever. She'd come home every night to the love of her life. She'd watched happily as Arizona rocked their baby to sleep. She'd made love to her wife, completely enthralled in her beauty and the thought that _she had everything. _After George and Erica, she had started to accept that maybe she had been destined to be alone. Because she opened her heart to people and they cheated and left her in parking lots. And then the most beautiful blonde, with the most adorable dimples had kissed her. Out of nowhere. One moment she'd been in tears, the next moment she was grinning. Arizona had changed her world. Everything had seemed brighter. It was like her whole life she'd been seeing in mediocre black and white, and Arizona made her see everything in color. The mere thought of her had driven Callie mad. She'd wanted to be with her forever, from the beginning. She'd always heard from friends that when you met the one, you _knew._ She had always laughed at those people, thinking about how silly it all sounded. As if you could really _know._ But the second she'd set eyes on those ocean blue eyes, she had known. She'd known that she was the one. It sounded silly and crazy, but Arizona had made her want to live every single moment to the fullest. She had fallen crazy in love. A kind of love she'd never known. Where the smallest kiss made her stomach do flips. Where after years of being together, when Arizona rounded the corner at the hospital, blonde hair cascading over her shoulders, blue eyes wide and full of happiness, it literally took away her breath. She had been in awe of her. Every single second she had been in awe of her. When she had looked into Arizona's eyes, she'd seen everything she had never had with anyone else.

Then the plane crash.

It's like someone had taken Arizona, pulled her out of her body, and left behind a dark, empty shell. The blue eyes that had once held so much love it was sometimes overwhelming were now dark, empty. Arizona had become so dark, so sad, that Callie didn't even know where to find her anymore. It was like she'd take a step forward, give Callie a glimmer of hope, and suddenly they had taken two steps back and Arizona was lifeless and angry again. She hadn't left because she wanted to. She wanted desperately to be there, but Arizona needed to figure it out herself. She wished, somewhere deep inside, that she could rewind time. That she could never let Arizona on that plane. Because then she'd be in bed with her wife. She's be wrapped up in that familiar warmth, and she'd sleep without nightmares. Nightmares in which her dead best friend and lifeless shell of a wife haunted her. She prayed desperately, to anyone up there who would listen. For a miracle, for some miracle to deliver Arizona back to her. Because she didn't want a life without her. She wanted Sofia to grow up with the amazing woman she loved so desperately. Part of her ached to go back, to apologize, to try some more, but she was out of energy. She was tired, and although nightmares haunted her, as she lay in the darkness, thoughts of Arizona circling through her mind, her eyes began to droop until finally, for just a moment, she forgot it all.


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry for the long-ish wait, had some midterms. Here's an update and there will be another one this weekend.**

**Thanks for all the kind words :D**

**Arizonas POV**

She had slept. After Callie had left she had immediately fallen asleep, as if all of the anger had exhausted her. She'd slept horribly, her dreams filled with angry words she'd spoken and snippets of pain from the crash. At five in the morning, when she was jolted awake in a sweat, she immediately turned for Callie before remembering. It was funny, that in that moment, drenched in her own sweat, she suddenly felt exactly like her old self. She felt no anger, no fear, and she refused to move out of fear that she would be overcome with pain and anger.

"What have I done" It wasn't even a question. Just an open statement. It was followed by a flow of tears. She'd cried plenty before. Tears of anger, of pain, of frustration. But these were different. These tears were real, they came from a part of Arizona that had been buried for months. They were tears of loss. Tears that poured down her cheeks and burned in her eyes. They were like a reminder that she was still human, that she could still feel. That even though some days anger was enough to take away the pain, eventually it always came through. She just didn't know how to get rid of it. How to accept it all. Looking at the remainder of her leg hurt, moving hurt, talking hurt. How was she supposed to get back to who she once was when every single thing she did hurt?

It's as if the reality of it all was hitting her now. And miraculously, she was feeling it. She could feel the desperation inside of her, the need to find Callie and apologize and get her back. But a part of her also knew that Callie deserved someone better than the person she currently was. And that part of her refused to go back until she was on the right track. It scared her, the idea that she could really lose it all. Lose the wife and daughter she loved so insanely. It was her fault though, because she hadn't been loving them. She'd been tearing them down, hating them because they represented the life she'd once had.

If Arizona Robbins was one thing though, it was stubborn. So when she woke that morning and decided that she needed to get better, that she wanted it all back at whatever cost, she knew, she believed, deep down, that she could do it. She wouldn't let death win. It had already taken too much. It had ripped away her brother, it had taken Nick, Mark, Lexie, and she would not let it claim her as well. Not yet, not like this. She couldn't just let go, as easy as it was, as much as she really wanted to. She had to fight the anger, fight the pain, until the day when she looked at herself in the mirror and saw life in her eyes. She had no idea how long it would take, but she had to push. Because if she didn't fight against it, she really was better off dead.

**Callies POV**

She'd tossed and turned all night. Her dreams alternated between beautiful memories and nightmares. One second she'd be looking into peaceful blue eyes and the next she was watching her best friend die. Her mind was constantly alive with thoughts. Despite her best efforts, she could not turn it off. Sofia's cries awoke her, and she knew her day had to begin. She had work to do, patients to see, a daughter to take care of. A daughter who'd gone from three parents to one in a short month. Although once in awhile she could swear Sofia was searching for Mark and Arizona, most of the time she was just a normal, smiling, bubbly kid. She was perhaps the only ray of light in Callies life. As Callie picked her up, smothering her chubby face in kisses, she allowed herself to feel the joy of the moment. Sofia mumbled sounds that almost formed words, chubby fingers in her mouth. After Callie had dressed Sofia, she watched her walk around, falling the odd time, but generally enjoying herself as she raced around the apartment. Part of her forgot about the last night as she thought to herself that Arizona would love this. As quickly as she had forgotten, she remembered though. She made a mental note to explain the situation to the home nurse. She fully intended on leaving Arizona to her own accord, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to check in.

Callie dropped Sofia off at daycare, smiling a hello to Meredith, who was dropping Zola off as well. She then made her way to the PEDS ward. There was an 8 year old girl with a broken leg and some broken ribs she had to tend to. She hated going to the PEDS ward desperately. Seeing a man doing the job Arizona once did, knowing that her wife was sitting at home wallowing in her self destructive anger instead of wheeling around her department with those awful shoes on was a feeling she didn't think she'd ever get used to. Bailey was there too, she'd been spending a lot of time down in PEDS. Perhaps because she secretly worried that Karev was going to single handedly burn down the place. Bailey spotted her first, and her eyes widened with something Callie couldn't catch. Surprise? Worry?

"Come with me, now." Bailey said quietly, grabbing Callies arm and dragging her into a bathroom.

"Listen, you're nice and all but I'm not really interested." Callie joked quietly. Bailey just gave her a look, which silenced Callie.

"Did you something happen to you?"

Callie frowned.

"Um..what?"

"I don't mean to rub salt in your wounds Torres, but you look awful. Did you have yourself a little date with some tequila, maybe did a little dancing? You look like I should be checking you out in the ER! How are you supposed to make parents trust you when you look like you just crawled right outta bed after a night out!"

Callie felt bad immediately. Between Sofia and worrying about Arizona, she hadn't even looked in a mirror. She did so now and groaned. Her hair was wild, her eyes dark and tired. She looked pale and...well, sickly.

"Oh god. I look like a zombie."

Bailey nodded sadly.

"You're going to scare the kids!" She joked, trying to lift Callies spirits.

"I'll clean up. Give me a half hour. I can get someone else to set those breaks."

Bailey nodded and headed for the door.

"Bailey?" Callie said.

"Mhmmm." Bailey answered, turning her head.

"I didn't drink."

"What?"

"I didn't drink. I don't want you to think I got drunk. I didn't drink. I just left my wife. I took my baby and moved into my dead best friends apartment. But I didn't drink. I just wanted you to know."

Baileys face fell, and she stepped back towards Callie, giving her arms a quick squeeze.

"Hang in there Torres."

**Arizonas POV**

Her goal of the day - accept the stump. It seemed like a silly goal, like she should have accepted it by now, but she hadn't. She never looked at it, didn't want to look at it. If she didn't look it wasn't real, right? But it was enough. She had to accept it. She wasn't going to grow back another leg, that was a given. So she kept looking. Even when she got angry, she kept staring.

"It's not that bad. It's just a stump. Just a stump. Tons of people have stumps. You can still be hot with a stump."

But then she would cry, because it was the least sexy thing ever and she didn't want to look at it ever again.

She'd been doing this for hours. Uncover, talk to herself, cry, cover. She wasn't even sure if it was helping when suddenly, on the tenth or so uncover, she didn't cry. Sure, her eyes welled up and she stared at herself in pain, but she didn't cry. Maybe she was all cried out, but she counted it as a success. She wondered, even if she fixed herself and got Callie back, if Callie would even be able to look at it. It was gross, and the thought that Callie would flinch scared the crap out of her. Enough that she was afraid to even think about Callie touching her in any way. She laughed.

"I think the least of your worries are Callie touching you, considering she's living in another apartment."

Part of her wondered if talking to herself was a bad sign, if it was the last straw in losing her mind. A knock at the door ripped her attention away from her crazy thoughts. Immediately, she wondered if it was Callie, but deep down she knew that Callie wouldn't knock, she would just come in. She dipped off the bed and into the wheelchair, wheeling herself to the door. She could manage to move fairly well with her prosthetic and some crutches, but it took a long time to put on the prosthetic. It was something that upset her a lot, that all those mundane tasks in life, like answering the door were now so hard. She had to plan for every little moment. When she got to the door and unlocked it, she backed up the wheelchair.

"It's unlocked." She said, just loud enough to be heard.

The door swung open to reveal Miranda Bailey.

**Baileys POV**

Arizona Robbins looked defeated. In all the time she had spent around Arizona, defeated was never a word that she would have used to describe her. She'd always been tough, level-headed, strong. She was not the type of woman who was ever defeated. She dealt with the most heartbreaking cases every day, and came out on top. Arizona Robbins was a strong woman, but the woman Miranda was looking at right now was not the Arizona Robbins she had come to respect.

"Um... Bailey...what are you doing here?"

Miranda did not miss the hands that covered the remainder of her left leg. She didn't miss the fleeting look of fear that passed through Arizona's eyes. As if Arizona was afraid to be seen. And after a long day in the OR, Miranda was not tackling that problem. She had not come here for that.

"I am here to snap you out of this...little funk you've been in."

Arizona went to speak, but she was cut off.

"Mmmm...No, this is listening time. When I'm done, you talk. For now, you listen. Got it?"

Arizona held her tongue, and Miranda nodded happily, atleast one thing hadn't changed. People still listened when she told them to.

"I had to send your wife away from a case this morning because she looked like some kind of zombie from one of them scary zombie movies. And she informed me about the...situation around here."

"Listen, I don't mean to be mean, but it's none of your business-"

Miranda flashed her a silencing glare. She was tired, and she was only doing this because she knew that Arizona was a stubborn woman, and she needed someone from the outside to snap her out of it.

"Oh but it is. I have been working with Callie for quite some time now. I watched her get all lovesick and pathetic and marry my intern, then I watched him cheat on her. Then she starts telling me about Erica Hahn, and I do not discuss sex, but I helped her. Then I watched her get all sad and mopey and drown her sorrows at Joe's. Then she met you, and she left me alone for awhile, which is exactly the way I like it! But then her mother walked out on her wedding, and I came over here."

Arizona hadn't taken her eyes off of the floor. She looked at war with herself. Anger, sadness, love, guilt, it all flashed across her face, as if she could in no way control her flow of emotions.

"I watched that woman grow from the sad woman who let people walk all over her, cheat on her, leave her in parking lots into a real woman. A strong, capable, woman. A woman who, thanks to you, was finally confident in herself as a person who deserved love because you finally loved her the way she'd always wanted to be loved. When I told her her wedding was real, I meant it. That wedding to you was more real than the legal one she had with George O'Malley. I married the two of you, and I was finally glad to see her suffering over."

There were tears in Arizona's eyes, but she didn't move. Miranda suspected she was dealing with a whirlwind of emotions battling inside her head.

"You've lost your leg. And I know it seems impossible. I know it hurts to look at it. I know."

Arizona's tears started to spill over.

"Let me tell you something though. A secret. The worlds greatest wounds, the worlds biggest injuries? They heal. Your leg? The feeling you have when you look at it? It'll heal. It's not going to be today, or tomorrow, it might take years, but it will heal. Eventually you will stop feeling all of these things."

Arizona looked up. Red eyes looked sadly into her own.

"And when it stops hurting. When it stops being painful, you need to think about what you'll be left with."

Arizona's eyebrows rose slightly, a question forming in her expression.

"You have a choice. You can either battle this out, fight the demons, fight the anger and the pain, and wake up one day in peace and be alone. Totally alone, sitting there reminiscing on a life that you once had and that you chased away."

Sobs. Miranda was not one for speeches, she rarely gave them, but when she did, she meant the things she said. So as Arizona sobbed, she forced herself to continue. She spoke softly, taking a small, soft hand into her own as blue eyes met her dark ones.

"Or, you can battle this out, fight the demons, fight the anger and pain, and wake up one day in peace and have a life with the woman you love and the daughter you love. It is entirely your choice. You don't have to be perfect. Callie, she doesn't need perfect. She just needs you to let her hold you up."

A small smile, an almost non-existent smile, but a smile nonetheless, ghosted across Arizona's lips.

"I don't know how to do that.."

"Stop being so damn stubborn!" Miranda exclaimed, laughing. Arizona looked startled, but she ended up laughing too. It was a strange, sad sound, but it was laughter.

"I can't shake it, this feeling like I'm sinking, this feeling like I'm a burden."

"Stop hiding under it. You're only sinking because you're putting it all on you. Let her carry some of the load. Together, you might just make it."

Miranda felt pride swell in her chest as Arizona's tear brimmed eyes filled with something that was without a doubt hope. Not peace, not love or acceptance quite yet, but hope. Miranda knew for a fact that hope was the most precious thing Arizona could have right now.

"Now, I am going to go home, because I'm tired and I have a child to take care of, and I am not your psychiatrist. The faster you accept all this, the faster you're back and Karev can stop running the damn department. Got it?"

Arizona nodded, a small smile forming. She didn't say anything else. There was no need. Miranda had said all she needed to say, and she had a feeling Arizona had listened in a way she hadn't listened before this conversation. She hoped so, because she was in no mood to watch Callie Torres drink herself into a coma over another failed relationship. Plus, secretly, she honestly believed that they were made for one another. But of course, no one could know that, it was her little secret.


	9. Chapter 9

**So school has been unforgivingly busy, hence the delayed update. Sorry! Hope you enjoy :)**

**Arizonas POV**

She couldn't stop thinking. She sat curled up by the window, staring out into the night. She had lazily decided not to remove her prosthetic. A light shone a yellow tint over the sidewalk. It had rained all day, and the puddles reflected the bright moon and the stars. It had been a long time since she had allowed herself to enjoy such a simple sight. To enjoy the fact that if it wasn't for losing her leg, she wouldn't be sitting there, taking in the simple beauty of a glowing Seattle night. It was a rare moment, a rare moment of peace within a hurricane of impossible feelings. She closed her eyes, breathing the feeling of normalcy that filled her. It felt so good to be at peace, even if it was only for a second. Memories flooded her mind, warming her in a way she hadn't felt in months.

"_Wanna give me some names?"_

"_I think you'll know"_

A short kiss, a sweet kiss, but it had still made her heart pound and her knees weak.

"_I like the girl who has the sandwiches."_

Because in that moment, she'd realized she could be anywhere, and as long as she was with Callie, it would have been absolutely perfect.

"_Am I your girlfriend?"_

"_Yeah!"_

She'd never been so happy to be someones girlfriend. She'd been in love before, or so she'd thought, but it had been nothing compared to this. She'd been head over heels instantly. In love with her laugh, her smile, her soft, tanned skin..

Then there had been the break up. So silly, when she thought about it now. Because they hadn't stood a chance. They would never have been able to have worked together and stayed apart. They were drawn together. They were like two magnets, you could pull them apart for awhile, but eventually they were always drawn back together with an unimaginable love and passionate energy.

"_No. No. We'll have kids, we'll have all kinds of kids. And I always thought I wasn't cut out to be a mom, but you'll be a great mom, you'll be an amazing mom, and I love you so much, and I can't live without you and our ten kids."_

And after all of that, she'd left for Africa. She hadn't done it to hurt Callie, she'd been trying to do the right thing. Because Callie was miserable, and she didn't want to be the reason she left behind the job and city she really wanted to be in. She'd regretted it immediately. She'd cried on end, until finally she came back. She'd fought for Callie, and eventually she got her.

"_We are together! Because I love you and you love me and none of the rest of it matters!"_

That had been it. That night, when she'd been lying tangled up in Callie, breathing in her intoxicating scent, she'd known that that was it. That she was undoubtedly the one woman she wanted to spend all of her nights with. So she'd proposed, and granted, it had gone horribly, but Callie and Sofia had pulled through. And they'd gotten married.

Arizona's eyes opened slowly, fighting back tears as the flood of memories overtook her.

_And now she's gone_, she thought to herself.

She focused her attention back outside, gazing back onto the dark beautiful night below. As if by some miracle, it began to rain. Not tiny splatters, big crazy drops. A crazy urge overtook Arizona, and she grabbed frantically at her crutches. She only needed the one to get around with her prosthetic. She grabbed her keys, shoved them in her pocket and slowly made her way down to the entrance of the building. When she made her way to the front entrance, the rain was pouring down as heavily as before. She pushed open the door, leaning heavily on her crutch, and stepped out into the pouring rain. She was soaked instantly, but she didn't flinch. Her body was alive with a newfound energy she'd been searching for for months. As her grey t-shirt clung to her body, she took a few more steps out into the empty street. It was late, and she hardly doubted any cars would be around. She closed her eyes and titled her face up to the sky. The rain slid down her face, washing away a lifetime of worries and fears. Impulsively, she threw down her crutch and took a step. She wobbled, but didn't fall. Just like that she was balanced, perfectly balanced, and she raised her arms and started to cry. But they weren't tears of pain, or death or frustration. They were tears of happiness. Because she was stepping. For the first time in months, she was stepping. No one was holding on, no one was doing anything to help her. It was all her. So she stood there, in the pouring rain, soaked and shivering, but enjoying every damn second.

Because it felt like she was coming back to life.

**Callies POV**

It had been a long day at work. She'd been in the OR too many times, and she'd watched three people die. She was exhausted. Meredith had caught up with her after work and offered to keep Sofia for the night, insisted that Zola would enjoy a play date. Callie knew she was being kind, that they were all understanding of the position she was in. But she'd still felt like an awful mother when she'd left Sofia smiling in Meredith's arms. She needed rest though. She needed a bubble bath and a really good nights sleep. She'd take Sofia to the park tomorrow to make up for not spending the night with her. It was late anyways, it was dark out, and Sofia would be sleeping in minutes anyways. Just as she was pulling her purse onto her shoulder and stepping through Seattle Grace-Mercy West's sliding doors, it started to pour. She groaned and reached into her purse for her bright pink umbrella. Arizona had insisted they got matching pink umbrellas, which had been a horrible idea, because Arizona had always managed to steal both of them. Callie smiled sadly at the memory of fun, perky, happy Arizona. The home nurse had updated her, saying that Arizona had been showing signs of increased mobility and become slightly more friendly. Callie was so caught up in her thoughts, she almost forgot to turn onto the road that led to the apartments. As soon as she did, she stopped in confusion. Some crazy person was standing in the middle of the road, half swaying, half cheering, arms extended up to the sky. Callie groaned. Seattle sure had some crazy people. As she got closer however, she noticed the familiarity of the woman in front of her. She recognized the curve of her hips, the soft white skin. Her mouth fell open in shock. It was Arizona. Soaking wet, crazy Arizona, standing in the middle of the street cheering and crying. And she was stepping. She was stepping! Callie found herself cheering with her. She took steps closer, until she was close enough to notice every little detail etched across Arizona's face. But Arizona's eyes were closed, her face plastered with a blissful happiness. Callie took it in, the relaxed face, and as she took another step, the giant smile that dimpled her cheeks. Those dimples...She'd missed them. Arizona was in a grey t-shirt and some pj's, which clung to her body. Callie pushed away the part of her that was constantly horny for her wife, and leaned under the shelter of the buildings ledge, enjoying instead this moment of absolute happiness Arizona was experiencing. When Arizona finally stopped crying, and fist pumping and screaming happily at the sky like a very cute, dimpled maniac, Callie dropped her purse on the sidewalk and shed her coat. Then she stepped out into the pouring rain in her own t-shirt and jeans, taking a couple steps until she was close enough to touch Arizona.

"Having fun?" She murmured jokingly.

Arizona's eyes snapped open and she spun around to face Callie, almost slipping in the process. If Callie had been expecting anger, she wasn't met by it. Arizona's face was filled with embarrassment, but only for a split second, before she smiled a cautious, half smile.

"I took steps."

She took a step closer to Callie, as if to prove that she could, and smiled when she didn't fall over. Her blonde hair was soaked, curling and tumbling down her shoulders. She'd always looked sexy soaking wet, but it had been so long since Callie had seen her smile that she was afraid her heart might stop.

"I saw." Callie offered, her voice hardly above a whisper. She was cautious, afraid to bring out the angry Arizona. The last thing she wanted in a moment like this was to push Arizona into taking two steps backwards. But Arizona wasn't looking away. She wasn't glaring, challenging Callie to fight her. She wasn't angry Arizona. She was herself. Her blue eyes were wide with a childlike innocence and a fierce desperation for love and affection. Callie couldn't tear herself away, couldn't break the gaze, because she was afraid if she looked away, it would end, and she'd be stuck upstairs in her dead best friends apartment all alone. It was Arizona who broke the hold, running her hands over face and looking down at the ground.

"I'm not going to be perfect." Arizona stated, eyes fixed on the ground.

Callie stepped forward, inches away from her wife, her skin on fire because she was so close. She cautiously reached out and tilted Arizona's head so that they were eye to eye. Those blue eyes, those amazing blue eyes were filled with tears. Like always, Callie wanted nothing more than to wipe them away and fill them with joy, but this wasn't that simple. It was messy, it was a long process, and she couldn't just kiss her and make it all better. Callie sighed, saddened by the fear in her wifes eyes.

"I never asked you to be perfect, Arizona."

Callie could tell Arizona wanted to look away, so she continued to look deeply into her eyes.

"I don't need perfect. You never were perfect."

Arizona shook her head and forced out a strained laugh.

"Kick a girl while she's down.."

Callie smiled, because even though the laugh was the saddest thing in the world, at least she was attempting humor.

"You weren't. You aren't. And I'm not. Nobody is."

Arizona was sobbing now, but she didn't move. She stood there, in the pouring rain, eyes locked on Callie, not flinching away as Callie ran her fingers across her cheek. It was such a simple gesture, one Callie had done too many times to count, but in this moment, it meant so much. Arizona tried to speak, but she only managed a small noise before more tears poured down her face. Callie didn't hesitate, it was pure instinct. She pulled her wife into her, one hand holding the back of Arizonas head, the other wrapped under her arm, both supporting and comforting her. Arizona was stiff at first, but eventually she gave in, her hands bunching into Callies top, pulling her closer, willing her not to let go. They stood there like that for as long as it took Arizona to stop crying. The rain slowed to a light drizzle, but still they stood, wrapped up in the comfort one another. Until finally Arizona caught her breath. She pulled away, enough to look at Callie, but didn't release her grip on her. Callie smiled, a sad smile, but a ghost of a smile. Arizona mirrored it exactly, letting go of Callie with one hand to wipe her eyes.

"Look at me. Hear me when I say this, okay Arizona? For real. I need you to hear me this time, because I am all out of energy and I just really need you to listen."

A small nod, an intense blue gaze. Callie almost lost herself in the depths of those blue eyes, like ocean waves washing over her.

"You and me? We're not perfect. We don't need to be perfect, okay? We've only got to be us. And let me tell you something about us, we're imperfect. But we are so amazing at being imperfect **together** that it's okay. We...we are like two broken pieces. With our problems and our weaknesses and our fears. I love you, and I love you because together, we're one piece. One full, fantastic, loving, perfect piece. So we don't need perfect. We just need to be together. So let me in. Let me help you, let me hold you, let me love you, Arizona. Let me in."

The flash was automatic. One moment the blue eyes were scared and sad, and the next they were the eyes she knew so well. Full of love and patience and kindness. Arizona let out a breath, and her shoulders relaxed. To any other person, it was nothing. To Callie, it was everything. Arizona had been so tense, so caught inside her angry world, that this, this relaxation, it was like the calm after the storm. Which was hilarious, considering they were literally standing in the middle of the calm after a rainstorm.

"Okay."

Arizona said, quietly but surely. Her voice was different. It wasn't cold, or full of pain. It wasn't angry and harsh. It was soft, it was music to Callies ears. Callie smiled, a real smile, a bright, happy smile. She watched, in pure bewilderment and absolute delight as Arizona's mouth stretched into a matching smile. There were those dimples, those adorable dimples on that beautiful face she loved so much. Those dimples were her unwinding. They could turn any moment into a great one.

"I missed that smile."


	10. Chapter 10

**School is still consuming my every moment, sadly, hence the slow updates. **

**Thanks to everyone who commented, means a lot!**

**Arizona's POV**

She'd been trying. Trying really, really hard. Trying to fight the anger when it bubbled like hot lava in her veins. She battled herself on a daily basis, forcing herself to calm down. She didn't want to take it out on Callie, she really didn't. Sometimes it was hard, because she got frustrated, and tired, and little things set her off. But she was reeling it in, she was fighting. She would not lose Callie. She refused to lose her, refused to lose her beautiful daughter. She wouldn't let the pain and anger rip that away from her. But right now, trying to do something as simple as showering and getting her clothes on, she was frustrated. She hated the idea that something so simple would be such a burden every single day. She knew that it would all get easier, over time, like anything else. In the moment, right now, it was frustrating, it was infuriating, and she hated it.

"Arizona?" Callie called and Arizona bit her lip, trying to figure out a good system for getting from wet in a towel to dry in clothes without needing any help. She didn't want Callie touching her or seeing her like this. It had turned into such a saddening fear. She thought of months ago, when she ached to have Callie touch her every single time they were together. Now, she was constantly flinching away and freezing up, she was so uncomfortable with the idea of somebody else being near her and her weaknesses.

"Do you need help?" Callie opened the door and leaned in just as Arizona was throwing a shirt over her body.

"No." Arizona snapped. Callie jumped like she'd been shot, and Arizona took a deep breath. She had to start controlling her emotions, stop directing them all at Callie, and learn to talk about it. Callie turned to leave the room, but not before Arizona spoke.

"Wait! I, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped. I just, it was hard to.. you know.. and you almost walked in on...well.." She didn't really know how to finish the sentence. How do you tell your wife "you almost walked in on me in my bra and that makes me uncomfortable?". Callie had seen her naked too many times to count, but this was different. She wasn't the same as she used to be. She wasn't hot or sexy or confident.

"Hey, no, it's okay. Listen Arizona, I understand. Some things are going to take time. You just have to tell me what makes you uncomfortable and we'll go from there, okay?"

Arizona managed a smile, because she knew it must be killing Callie to have to stay so far away all the time.

"Okay. Are you still off early tonight?" She asked.

"Yeah, as long as no major trauma's come in." Callie shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other, hands in the pockets of her leather jacket.

"I was thinking we could...watch a movie? Or talk? Or something?" Arizona asked tentatively. It wasn't that she thought Callie would say no, she was just nervous, on the edge of a lot of conflicting emotions.

Callie smiled and took a few steps until she stood close enough to touch Arizona.

"I'd love that, Arizona." She whispered. Arizona could tell she was aching to kiss her like she always had before the accident, but she wouldn't do it. She never did. It was an unspoken rule, that Arizona had the control here. That Arizona decided when they took steps. Callie had been incredibly supportive, and Arizona was infinitely grateful for that. It's not that she didn't want to be close to her wife, because she did, but she struggled daily with the fear that Callie would get too close, touch her residual limb, and run away. Perhaps it was a silly fear, irrational even, but it was there. It occupied all of Arizona's thoughts. Callie didn't ever push, and although the rational part of her was aware that it was because she was afraid to, the twisted part of her told her it was because she didn't want to. The hard part was that in the war, in the battle in her head, the twisted part was the one that was constantly winning.

**Callies POV**

She could see Arizona trying. Although the effort gave Callie hope that perhaps everything wasn't completely lost, she was still petrified. Watching Arizona fight herself daily was painful. It was painful to know that at this point she couldn't do anything for the woman she loved.

She'd slept in their bed last night, and that was a start. There was always a moment of of peace when Arizona unconsciously rolled over and curled herself against Callie. Maybe it was because they had always slept like that that she did it so naturally when asleep. Callie liked to hope that maybe she was awake, and that maybe the only time she was at peace enough to make contact was when Callie couldn't react to her. She'd made an effort this morning, in asking to watch a movie, to talk. Talking wasn't easy for her. She'd gotten in the habit of keeping everything to herself for so long that she'd become a slave to her thoughts. It wasn't up to Callie to fix that. It was in Arizona's hands to do that. All Callie could do was stand by her until she was ready to let her back in, which she fully intended to do. Some people might have left long ago, when Arizona's first angry words sliced at her heart. But Callie wasn't some people, and her and Arizona weren't just anyone. The relationship that they had, the loving marriage that had developed, it was something worth fighting for. Callie wanted to fight. She wanted to fight for that morning when Arizona would spin around in her arms, blue eyes as breathtakingly full of love as they'd always been. Arizona was worth the fight. The way her cheeks dimpled when she smiled, the way she sucked on Callies bottom lip when they kissed, the way Arizona held her tight when she had a bad day, those were things worth fighting for.

It was a love worth fighting for.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Karev turned a corner, waving to get her attention.

"When is Robbins coming back?" He asked. Despite Arizona's anger towards him, Callie could tell he still loved his mentor.

"I don't know Karev."

"Has she said anything? About me cutting off her leg? Or whatever." The guilt was written across his face. It almost mirrored Callies own face weeks ago.

"Stop, okay? Stop feeling guilty. We need to stop feeling guilty. It wasn't anyones fault she got on the plane. It was just...an impossible situation. It can't be changed and she knows that, deep down. She loves you, she wouldn't be that angry if she didn't. And as for her leg...you saved her life. You saved the woman I love's leg. So do not feel guilty. You were a doctor, you saved a life. That's all there is to it."

Karev nodded, a thoughtful looking crossing his face. When he looked up he smile an empty half smile, like they both understood one another without having to speak.

"She's gonna be okay right? I mean, dude, she was so perky, she can't be too dark for long right?"

It was Callies response that surprised her, because she hadn't been aware of how much she understood until that moment.

"You can't be happy all the time Alex. Eventually it all weighs down, it crashes you down. Eventually the pregnant girlfriends, the car crashes and best friends dying and plane crashes bring you down. There's no light without dark, and sometimes when the lights go out on the brightest people, the dark is impossibly dark."

Karev laughed and patted Callies arm.

"Dude, that's deep." He commented, before smiling and turning back towards the PEDS ward.

**Arizona's POV**

Arizona was nervous. Like first date, never kissed someone before but you really like them nervous. Except she was married, so it was all pretty twisted around. Right now she was attempting to put her feelings into words and write them into her diary. It sounded so kid-like, writing in her diary. But it helped. It was easier to write then to talk. She'd stolen it back after Callie had left after reading it, and continued writing. She fully intended to let Callie read it, or something like that. It was the only good way for her to let Callie in right now. So she wrote, trying to make as much sense as she could, until she heard the keys jingling in the hallway, at which point she closed the little black book and sat it in her lap. Callie greeted her with a cautious smile, which Arizona returned. Today had been a good day, there'd been little anger, which gave her hope that they could have an anger and fighting free evening.

"Hey. I got you wine!" Arizona said, a little more excitedly than intended. She was proud of the easiest things, she thought to herself. She pushed the glass of red down the table until it was in front of an empty space on the couch.

"Oh, thanks..but I've..um, I've been drinking white lately." Callie stammered awkwardly, still standing a small distance from the couch. Arizona felt a stab of pain as she noted how afraid Callie looked.

"Oh, why?" Arizona asked curiously. Callie shrugged, running fingers awkwardly over the top of the couch.

"It just, it reminded me of you, okay?" She spoke quickly, like perhaps Arizona might miss it. But she didn't, and she could feel her face soften as she took it in. As she took in Callie _missing _her. Callie was shifting from one foot to another again, biting her lip nervously. Arizona had to do something to calm her down, because they wouldn't get anywhere when Callie was afraid to breath in fear that she might set her off. Arizona did the only thing she knew to do, the only thing she really could do at this point. It was time to take a step, scared or not. She shifted down until she was a foot from Callie, and reached out and grabbed onto the hand that traced absent minded patterns on the couch.

**Callies POV**

She was lost in thought when Arizona grabbed onto her hand. She couldn't help how quickly her head shot up.

"Calliope.." Arizona whispered. The effect on Callie was immediate. She'd dreamt of this moment for months. The moment when Arizona would say her name the way she always had. She'd always hated her name, but Arizona made her love it. The sound of Arizona saying her name was breathtaking, it was overwhelming. It was like coming home, like driving with the window down, like the first snowfall. It was everything good and perfect, and Callie couldn't control the rush of intense emotions she was feeling. She didn't even notice that she was crying until Arizona's eyes widened with worry.

"Calliope, what-what's wrong?" Arizona started to jerk away, it was apparent that she was nervous and scared by what the tears meant. Callie held onto her hand tightly, refusing to let her pull away. She shifted to sit on the arm of the couch, looking down into an ocean blue gaze.

"No, no, Arizona don't pull away."

Arizona looked at her cautiously, unsure. Maybe, in any other moment, Callie would have been torn apart at the fact that they could be in a place where Arizona would ever look so cautious and uncomfortable. But in this moment, she was suddenly miraculously happy and optimistic, something she hadn't felt in a long time.

"I'm not crying because...its not that its bad..." She struggled with words to explain herself, aware of Arizona's eyes burning into her as she fought to explain the tears streaming down her face. Callie reached out and took two soft hands into her own, running her thumb across soft skin.

"I just held your hand and you started crying! That's pretty bad. Was this too much? Are you having regrets? Because I'm trying, I am really really trying here Calliope but if you want to leave or-"

It was impulsive, it was probably stupid, and her mind didn't even process what she was doing until it was happening. Because suddenly she had her lips pressed to her wifes, shocked when Arizona didn't rip herself away. It wasn't a passionate kiss by any means. It was delicate, soft, tentative. Like coming up for air when you've been holding your breath under water. It probably lasted mere seconds, but it felt like an eternity. When Callie pulled away to look at Arizona's face, she was surprised to find that her eyes were still closed. Arizona let out a breath, squeezing Callies hands tightly in her own.

"I'm crying because I'm happy, Arizona."

Arizona opened her blue eyes slowly, her expression serious.

"I want to talk. I do. I want to tell you all these things I feel, all these things I think but I can't do that because I can't...I just can't trust myself in the moment yet. I still get angry and I can't take the chance that I'll hurt you more. But I've been writing them, all of them."

Callie noticed the leather book she'd begun reading weeks ago, when she'd thought she'd lost her wife. Her expression must have darkened at the memories, because Arizona started to look panicky.

"I know it's not the same as talking, and I promise we will get to talking, but for now, I need to have thought about the things I want to say. I need to take my time and tell you things slowly."

Callie smiled and pressed a light and cautious kiss to the back of Arizona's hand, her heart swelling at the smile that ghosted across her wife's lips.

"I think that baby steps are okay. You write, I'll read?" She wasn't exactly sure what Arizona wanted. Did she want her to read it all and then forget everything she had read because they couldn't discuss it openly yet?

"No. I think...I'll write, and I'll read."

Callie raised her eyebrows in confusion.

"Doesn't that just mean I'm not looking at it?"

Arizona laughed, it was a beautiful sound. It made Callie ache to reach out and pull her wife into her arms.

"No. I'll write, and I'll read it...to you. That way I can talk, but I know what to say. I know it sounds weird but it makes it easier for me. Reading it is helpful. It gives me something to focus on. It helps me be less scared, and mad..and for now, I need that."

Intense blue eyes met Callies brown ones. She didn't care if Arizona needed to pre-write her side of a conversation. Whatever it took to get her wife back, she was all in. She would support absolutely anything that gave her back the woman in front of her. Because she was aching to curl her fingers into blonde hair, to run light kisses down a soft pale neck...She missed her wife. And she would be absolutely anything to get her back. She would do absolutely anything for a night spent wrapped up in Arizona, breathing in her scent, planting kisses on every inch of her body. She wanted all those nights she'd wanted never to end, and she wanted them badly. So if her wife needed to start communication this way, she was absolutely, without a doubt all in.

Forever.


	11. Chapter 11

**Arizonas POV**

Callie hadn't pushed her. Hadn't asked her to start sharing right away. They'd just sat there, holding hands in complete silence until Arizona's eyes had started to droop. But she hadn't wanted to let go. It was the closest she could get to Callie without feeling like she was being pushed. Holding hands had been something they'd done so often before, she'd never thought about how much it actually meant. Sitting there, holding onto Callies hand like it was a lifeline, because in a way it was. It grounded her, kept her away from the memories of plane crashes and lost limbs. So they sat there, Callie tracing patterns on her hand with her thumb. Her hand was warm, soft, like it had always been. For a few seconds, she could almost forget that anything had even happened, and then she would shift a little and be shocked once again that her left leg wasn't moving like it once had.

These are the thoughts that circled her mind as she lay in their bed, Callie only a few feet away, unable to sleep. Arizona hardly ever slept. The minute she closed her eyes she was always back in that forest, stuck, unable to get out. She dreaded sleep, she avoided sleep. She fought sleep until her body couldn't possibly stay awake another second, and she always woke in a panic, covered in sweat. Last night she had managed to wake quietly from her nightmare without alarming Callie. She knew it was only a matter of time before Callie started to pick up on it though. It wasn't that she didn't want Callie to know, it was more that she was afraid that adding nightmares to the list of problems with her might be the last straw, might send Callie running. She knew sleep was coming, it was inevitable. And as her eyes started to droop and her body started to relax, her last conscious thought was that she really couldn't deal with the pain of being in that forest again.

"_Why haven't they attacked us yet? We're easy targets, just sitting here." Arizona murmured to Cristina, who was dutifully sitting awake, watching over everyone. Mark had been dying all day, and Derek was in and out of consciousness. Even Arizona herself was starting to lose her energy, and the pain in her leg was so bad that if she moved even an inch, she could hardly stand it. Cristina didn't answer, she just stared in the direction of the wild animal growls and snarls, her face a blank emotionless slate. It was only when Cristina turned to lock tear-filled eyes with Arizona that she realized why they hadn't been attacked yet. _

"_Oh god.. no... no no no no..." Arizona couldn't help the rush of anger she felt suddenly, at the world, the universe, for everything._

"_NO! This cannot be happening! We have to.. we have to do something! We can't just leave her to be...Cristina we have to do something.." She broke off in a cry, because the slight movement had sent a burst of pain through her leg, which radiated through her whole body. She pounded her fist into the ground, biting her lip to ride through the pain. Cristina reached out and grabbed her hand, bringing her face right up to Arizona's._

"_I tried. Don't you think I tried?! We can't do anything! We are stuck and Mark keeps dying! I. Can't. Do. Anything. So stop crying and moving, okay! Just focus on keeping up your energy so we can get the hell out of here alive!" _

_Cristina slumped back, her energy gone. Arizona couldn't help the tears that came. She'd often seen it in the hospital, when patients started to accept that they were dying, when suddenly they wanted to say everything they were feeling. That's how she felt. She could tell she was dying. The skin above the open wound in her leg was bright red, and it was moving further and further up her leg. Eventually, it would get into her blood, her bone, and she would die. It wouldn't be long now. _

"_What if I never see her again?" She whispered, to no one in particular, stroking Mark's hair absent mind-idly. _

"_It'll probably hurt her more than it'll hurt you." Cristina answered simply. Arizona pondered that, decided that Cristina was probably right, but it didn't make her feel better. If she died out here, if Mark died out here, which they were, Callie would be all alone. Her Calliope would be all alone, and she couldn't even fathom a world where Callie's beautiful smile disappeared because she lost everything in this forest. _

"_I don't want to die. I don't want to die. Mark can't die, and I can't die. We just..we can't. I'm not done! I haven't.. I haven't seen Sofia take her first steps and I haven't apologized to Karev... and I haven't loved her for a lifetime yet! It's too soon.."_

_Cristina didn't answer, she just listened as Arizona rambled on, lost in her own mind._

**Callies POV**

She was ripped from sleep suddenly. Blinking into the darkness, she wiped her eyes. It took her a second to realize why she'd woken so suddenly. Arizona was curled in a ball on her side of the bed whimpering painfully. It took a second for Callie to realize she was still asleep, stuck in a dream or something.

"I don't want to die...I don't want to die.." She kept repeating, her face mirroring such an intense pain that it pained Callie just to look at it. Callie didn't know what to do. She didn't want to get too close and push too far, but she couldn't just sit and watch. It was absolutely painful.

"I need to see her again..." Arizona muttered in her sleep, body tensed. Callie decided not to play it safe. She couldn't just sit by like some kind of third party and watch her wife ride this out. If she could give comfort, she was going to give it. So she slipped over to Arizona's side of the bed and pulled her tense body into her own.

"Shhh.. hey, I've got you. It's okay, you're safe. You're home and you're safe. You're not going to die Arizona, I'm right here." She muttered these things over and over again until Arizona was ripped awake suddenly. Her blue eyes were wide with a whirlwind of emotions as she locked eyes with Calllie. Her body was covered in sweat, and she let out panicked, quick breaths. Callie moved to let go, not wanting to cross any lines, but as she moved to let go, Arizona pushed further into her, wrapping her arms around her neck and burying her nose in Callies neck. Callie leaned back, rested her head on the pillow, running her fingers comfortingly down Arizona's back.

"Don't go. Just...lie here?" Arizona whispered, her voice quiet and pained. Callie nodded, to no one in particular, and squeezed her wife tighter to show she'd heard. They lay like that for a long time. Callie enjoyed the closeness. Even if it was a painful moment, she liked that she was being let in. She liked that Arizona was reaching out for her after so much time spent pushing her away.

**Arizonas POV**

She'd been ripped out of her nightmare and found herself wrapped up in warm, loving arms. Although part of her wanted to pull away, she found herself drawn into the comforting warmth Callie was providing her with. So when Callie went to pull away, she pulled her closer, begging her to stay. She needed Callie to hold her, to ground her. To remind her that she was here, and the nightmares were memories. They were in the past. She'd already survived. Whether it was the intense reminder of how desperately she'd wanted more time with Calliope, or the pain of knowing that Mark would never get more time with any of them, she suddenly wanted nothing more then to talk with the woman she loved.

"Are you awake?" Arizona whispered without moving from her current position, curled up to Callie.

"Mhm, are you okay?" Callie answered worriedly.

"Yes..no? I don't know. I just.. I want to talk about the nightmares." Arizona was scared. They were supposed to talk tomorrow about the serious stuff using the journal. But the nightmares were different. They were memories. She could share memories without getting angry or mean. It was the things she felt she struggled with.

"You don't have to if you don't want to..It's okay.." Callie started, but Arizona cut her off.

"No, I want to. We can still talk tomorrow, about..that stuff." Callie stayed silent, but nodded her head.

"My nightmares.. they aren't like bad dreams. They're real...It's not like I wake up and find this relief in the fact that I'm awake and it's not real..because it's real..." She shuddered. She felt Callie pull her in closer, as if to protect her against invisible horrors.

"I can't wake up and feel better..because even when I wake up...it's still real. It's still Lexie being torn apart by animals, it's still Mark dying in my arms..It's still Cristina losing her mind staying awake for hours. It's still real...everyday it's real..."

She didn't even try not to cry, knowing that any time she talked or thought about it all, she usually cried. Callie didn't speak, she just stroked Arizona's back and kissed her blonde curls softly. The contact didn't send Arizona running, which kept them both content.

"What can I do?" Callie finally asked. Arizona considered it for moment before speaking.

"Nothing. Just be here, like this. This is all you can do. It's all I can do. Hold on, and try to keep my head clear."

Callie sighed and dropped a quick kiss on the back of one of Arizona's hands.

"I'll stay here, like this, for as long as you need Arizona. You can always count on that."

And in the midst of it all. The death, the pain, the frustration, the nightmares that plagued her sleep, she found that she believed her. And that in itself was one of the happiest moments she'd experienced in awhile.


	12. Chapter 12

**Callies POV**

When the ringing of her alarm woke her, Callie groaned. Arizona was still in her arms, sleeping soundly, her breath warming Callies neck. Callie would have given anything to lie there for another hour, another full day if she could. But Sofia would be waking soon, and she had to get to work. Regretfully she started to carefully unwind herself from her wife, leaning down to push a strand of loose blonde hair carefully behind her ear. If it was at all possible to fall in love with the love of your life all over again, this was it. Staring at Arizona's relaxed face, her soft pale skin, she could feel all of her tension and worry literally melt away. It hurt her to think that Arizona would ever think she was any less beautiful because she'd lost her leg. If anything, she was more beautiful. Because she was a fighter. Because she was a miracle. She could have died, but she didn't. She was here, and that was a gift, and Callie intended on never wasting the time they had been given. The day she'd gotten the call that they'd found Arizona alive had been the best day of her life. Because in a split second, she'd had another chance at the lifetime with the love of her life, the lifetime she'd never thought twice about losing.

Arizona stirred as Callie began to make her way to the bathroom for a shower. She always looked adorable when she woke up, blonde hair a mess of curls, blue eyes blinking away the light from the window. Callie didn't mean to stop and stare, but she couldn't help it. She couldn't tear her eyes away, smiling like a lovesick teenager.

"What are you staring at?" Arizona mumbled grumpily, raising her eyebrows at Callie.

"The most breathtaking woman I've ever set my eyes on." Callie answered, turning immediately and closing the door to the bathroom. She didn't want to discuss it with Arizona, it wasn't a discussion. Arizona was breathtaking, and she would stop at nothing until her wife saw herself that way again. She showered in record time, throwing a towel around herself and racing out of the bathroom. She'd totally forgotten about Sofia, who was probably awake and wanting breakfast by now. Callie pulled on clothes quickly, and scrambled out of the bathroom and into Sofia's bedroom. Arizona must have heard Sofia making noise, because she had her prosthetic on, and was holding her in her arms, planting big kisses all over their squealing daughters' face. It had been awhile since Arizona had interacted so happily with Sofia, and Callie leaned against the doorframe, smiling giddily as she took it all in. Arizona froze when she noticed Callie watching her.

"Oh, hey. I heard her making some noise so I figured I'd help out."

Callie nodded and watched as Arizona put Sofia down, holding her arms and helping her take little steps.

"Let's have breakfast!" Callie offered, trying to break the tension in the room. Arizona smiled and nodded.

"Yes, let's."

**Arizonas POV**

Callie took over feeding and caring for Sofia while Arizona took a break from standing. She still got sore after the slightest activity. Her balance wasn't always one hundred percent either, but she was starting to get more comfortable walking.

"I think I'm going to come to work today." Arizona stated, watching as Callies eyes widened in surprise.

"Shouldn't you ask Webber? They have to clear you if you..." Arizona sent a glare her way and Callie stopped talking immediately.

"I'm not going to do surgery. I'll just consult, maybe watch a couple procedures. I need to talk to Karev, anyways."

Callie didn't push the conversation any further, and Arizona was grateful for that. She knew that Callie had more than likely been talking a lot with Karev, but she didn't feel like discussing it all right now. When she got to the hospital, she'd talk to Karev. She was still angry some nights, but she knew that it wasn't his fault. It was her anger that had put her on the plane. He'd just decided to get a great medical education, something she herself had done. But she'd had a terrible day, and she loved him, in a special little brother kind of way. The idea that he could be blaming himself the way she had been forcing Callie to blame herself made her feel horrible. She couldn't fix her and Callie in one talk. It would take time. But it was different with Karev. She could fix it in one talk, and if she could fix something, she really needed to do it. She'd said awful things, things that were untrue and cruel, but like every time she'd opened her mouth since the crash, she'd been filled with rage and fear.

They drove in silence, Sofia chattering the only sound in the car. Sofia's chattering had once been a source of pride and happiness, they'd all sat around for hours, just listening. Her, Mark and Callie. It broke Arizona's heart every day to think that Sofia may never remember her father. Mark had been someone Arizona had disliked, despised, even. He'd been the guy who'd knocked up the love of her life while she'd messed up and ran away. She'd wished for months that he would just leave, disappear. But they'd grown into a family. He'd stopped being that annoying guy she despised, and he'd become like a brother, a friend. Someone she could count on, someone she trusted. And he had always, without a shadow of a doubt, been the best father in the entire world to Sofia. Yet here she was, chattering away, so unaware of the loss of her father. It was unfair, Arizona knew, to expect her to understand. Sure, she had cried a couple times and whimpered "Daddy". But it had passed, and now they were left in a world where their daughter didn't even remember that she'd lost someone who'd loved her more than anything. It almost made Arizona jealous, because she wished desperately that she could forget. That she could wake up and not remember Mark, or Lexie, or planes crashing or legs being cut off. But that wasn't real life. Real life wasn't easy or bright or kind. Real life was cruel, it tested you. It pushed you until you fell down and then held you there, crushed under it all. It laughed at you when you stopped fighting back. The only shot you had was if you had someone there, kneeling next to you, to pull you back up onto your feet, or foot, in her case, and push back with you. She couldn't do this alone. Of this she was sure. She didn't even understand how she'd ever thought pushing Calliope away would work. Without Callie and Sofia to fight for, she would never have gotten out of that bed.

"Arizona? Are you okay?" Callie asked worriedly, eyes fixed on the road ahead.

Arizona shook her head to clear it and nodded.

"Oh, uh, yeah. I'm fine." She stammered.

"What are you thinking? Right now?" Callie asked cautiously. Arizona sighed. She wanted to talk, she did, but not right now. Not in a car on the way to the hospital, which was a silly trip, but Arizona couldn't walk that far yet without being exhausted. Exhaustion meant snapping, and the last thing she needed was to add fuel to the fire.

"I can't talk right now. I just can't. We'll talk tonight, okay? I promise. Just..not right now." Arizona begged, praying desperately that Callie would agree and wouldn't push it. She was too nervous right now, too on edge to have this discussion. She was nervous about talking to Karev, nervous about being in the hospital once again. When she talked to Calliope, really talked, she wanted it to be right. She wanted them to be in their home, focused entirely on one another. She didn't want to start the conversation in a car, with a couple minutes to spare before Callies shift started.

"Okay." Callie murmured, pulling into her parking space at the hospital. She unbuckled herself and rounded the car to get Sofia out of the baby seat in the backseat. Arizona didn't move an inch. She was frozen in place. Hadn't they arrived this way months ago, when she'd had two legs and Mark was still alive? The same way. Except Sofia had been smaller, and she'd been smiling, reaching out to hold hands lovingly with her wife. How was it that everything had gotten so twisted so fast? Twisted so horribly that she was sitting here, inside the car, frozen to her seat, tears forming in her eyes as her hand came to rest on the metal leg that replaced the area that had once been flesh. She hardly noticed Bailey talking to Callie, taking Sofia into her arms and walking away. She didn't even fully register that Callie was opening her door. It was like she was frozen, caught up in old memories. Sure, she'd been in the hospital since then. But this was different. This was her, slowly coming back to work. To work, like nothing happened. She wanted to move on, she did, but moving on scared her. Because she was in constant fear that moving on just meant more misery. Whenever she moved on, more people got hurt. Her brother died, Nick, Callie and Sofia almost died, she almost died, Mark died. It was an exhausting list, all a result of her moving on. Panic set in, and suddenly the seatbelt felt like it was pulling her in, choking her. She clawed desperately at it, relieved when Callie found the latch and freed her from its grasp. She threw herself awkwardly at Callie, needing that grounding touch, that reminder that moving on hadn't cost her the one person she needed desperately.

**Callies POV**

Arizona was frozen. She wasn't moving, wasn't doing anything but staring at the entrance of the hospital, her face alive with panic. Callie handed Sofia off to Bailey, who happened to be walking by.

"Can you take her to daycare? I'm sorry, I have to..." She gestured to Arizona. Bailey smiled and nodded, taking Sofia into her arms.

"Take all the time you need." Bailey whispered, before heading off towards the entrance of the hospital.

Callie rounded the car, coming to Arizona's door. Once upon a time, opening the door for her wife had been a happier memory. A memory of many dates that had led to some amazing, and really hot nights together. Now they were tainted with memories of being shoved away because Arizona always hated being helped. As Arizona clawed desperately at her seatbelt, trying to rip it off, blue eyes alive with panic, those thoughts flew instantly out of her mind. She threw open the door and unbuckled the seatbelt, surprised when Arizona propelled herself into her. Of course, she was always ready, and she held them both up awkwardly as Arizona leaned halfway out of the car.

"Hey, hey hey hey, Arizona, honey, it's okay." She stroked blonde hair until heavy breathing gave way to tears that soaked her shirt.

"I'm sorry." Arizona whispered, training those red brimmed blue eyes on Callie.

"Don't be sorry. It's a lot, coming back. I know that."

Arizona shook her head, her eyes suddenly clearing, so that Callie was staring right into the most familiar blue eyes. The eyes that were her home, her life, her entire world.

"No. Not about this, not about this."

Callie arched her eyebrows in confusion. She wasn't sure what exactly to say, so she just stared blankly at Arizona.

"I'm sorry that you lost Mark. And I'm sorry that when you needed me, I couldn't be there for you. I'm so sorry that Sofia won't ever know her Daddy. I'm sorry that you lost your best friend, Calliope."

For the first time since the accident, Arizona sounded absolutely like the Arizona she'd married. Kind, caring, compassionate. Still hurt, still shivering after a state of panic, but she was there. She'd never wanted to kiss her wife more than in this moment. Not because she was horny, although she most definitely always was. Simply because she was completely wrapped up knowing that Arizona was there, apologizing, looking genuinely upset about not being around when she'd needed her. She must have been staring at Arizona's lips, because Arizona smiled and laughed.

"You know I have eyes right?" She joked. It made Callie's heart swell. It had been ages since Arizona had joked happily with her. She smiled and squeezed the warm, soft hand resting in her own.

"I know. They're beautiful." Callie answered. She worried that her comment might be too much, but Arizona took it in stride, blushing before wiping away a stray tear.

"I'm ready to go in now. I just, I needed a minute. And I needed to tell you that."

Callie nodded, and helped Arizona out of the car, without any kind of protest from her wife. Arizona walked confidently to through the front doors of the hospital, smiling when Karev and Kepner greeted her happily. Callie watched her in awe, walking, smiling. She was without a doubt the most beautiful woman in the hospital right now, and without a doubt the strongest. Callie couldn't imagine how hard it was every single day for Arizona, but she did know that she wanted to be around for it all. She couldn't help but watch as their co-workers smiled happily at Arizona's return. She couldn't help staring. She knew she looked like a lovesick teenager, but she felt like she was falling in love all over again. Even though Arizona was more like herself every day, Callie knew she'd never be exactly the same as before the crash. She was stronger, she was more of a fighter. That didn't have to be a bad thing, in fact, it was growing to be something to be extremely proud of.

"Robbins, we've got an eight year old, fell out of a tree. Could be some internal bleeding. You coming?" Karev asked. The concern in his eyes was adorable, mainly because he always fought so hard to act like he didn't care. Arizona nodded and smiled.

"I'll be right up Karev." She said, turning and walking a few short steps to where Callie stood. Callie noticed how lightly she leaned on her cane. When she had first begun walking, the cane had been a necessity to keep her balance. Now, Arizona hardly leaned on it.

"Calliope?" Arizona smiled as she spoke, and Callie could feel her heart speeding up. Like always, Arizona's smile sent shivers up and down her spine and brought an instant smile to her face.

"Yes?"

"I have no problem with you staring at my lips, for the record."

And with that her wife turned and headed towards the elevators, throwing her soft blonde hair over her shoulder as she walked. Callie stood there, watching her until she was out of sight, and dared to think, even for just a second, that maybe she could get the happiness she'd once had back.


	13. Chapter 13

**Arizonas POV**

Karev had been avoiding her gaze and tiptoeing around her for hours. She knew he was on edge, because the last time they had spoke, really spoke, she had told him he was a horrible person. Of course, she hadn't meant it. She'd been scared, traumatized, and she'd needed a punching bag. Which is why when they both took a break for lunch, instead of resting, because she was in pain from standing half the day, she grabbed Karev by the shirt and pointed him to a conference room.

"In. Now." She ordered, surprised by how like her usual self she sounded. Karev responded immediately, more out of fear then respect, which only bothered Arizona more. She didn't want to scare people, that wasn't who she was. She closed the door softly behind them. Karev still looked nervous, unsure of what to do.

"Stop that." Arizona blurted out. Karev looked at her in confusion.

"Stop what?" He said, avoiding eye contact.

"That! Stop being afraid or nervous or unsure, or whatever!"

Arizona groaned into her hands, she had become terrible with words these days.

"I'm trying to say...listen, I said horrible things to you. And I know you remember them as clearly as I do."

Karev nodded and smiled his nervous half smile.

"I'm doing this whole moving on thing, and it scares the crap outta me. But what's worse is you walking around like a beat up puppy because I was a jerk to you. So stop. It's weird. You don't do that whole thing well. Smart mouth, fight back. Just...be the doctor I trained?"

Karev laughed and locked eyes with Arizona.

"Dude, your apologies suck." He said simply, smiling to show Arizona that he was joking around.

"Yeah, well, take it or leave it." She countered. She already knew that was enough though. She could see it in Karev's demeanor. His shoulders had relaxed, his smile was more genuine.

"Alright, I'll take it. But no offense, you look tired, so let's go eat and sit down."

Arizona smiled. As much as she wanted to fight him on it and say she was fine, she was exhausted. She needed an hour to rest, eat something, drink some water, and she was grateful for Karev caring enough to notice that. So she threw the door open and walked out, leaning more heavily on her cane then she had that morning, Karev close behind. Before they left the room completely though, Arizona stopped in her tracks and turned, nearly crashing into Karev, who threw her a confused and slightly annoyed look.

"You don't have no one. And you're not a horrible person. I just..you need to know that."

Karev smiled, much like he had the first time Arizona had yelled at him after he had freaked out on a terrified father long ago.

"Got it Robbins. Now let's go, I'm starving."

The rest of the day passed fairly slowly. Arizona was starting to feel confident that she would be ready to return to work in a couple weeks full time. Karev had been back to his old self since they're talk, and it had felt amazing to be back in a place where she could be her again. She was on cloud nine right now, on a definite high. When she spotted Callie and Sofia waiting for her at the front doors of the hospital, she flashed her her biggest grin.

"Good day?" Callie asked, laughing when Arizona nodded enthusiastically and laughed.

"Really good day." She confirmed, walking with Callie towards the car. She made silly faces at Sofia, who giggled and squirmed in Callie's arms. Callie settled Sofia into a car seat as Arizona settled herself down in the passenger seat, sighing as she finally got to relax. Quite honestly, despite being extremely pumped up, she was still exhausted, and her residual limb was on fire from standing and walking all day. Despite it all, she was in a good mood. She was nervous, because tonight was the big talk, but all in all, she was ready, prepared. She wanted to let Callie in, to fight through her demons and come out on the other stand stronger then before. The drive home was quiet, but it wasn't the charged, angry silence that had been ever so present before. It was almost comfortable, sitting in the car saying nothing and listening to Sofia chatter endlessly, her face set in a permanent smile. When they got inside, Arizona noticed that Callie's face still fell every time she walked past Mark's old apartment door. She knew eventually that pain would fade. When her brother had first died, she'd felt like her heart was on fire every second. Eventually, the pain had faded, just like all pain did.

"I'll put Sofia to bed. Then we can talk?" Callie offered, holding a sleepy Sofia in her arms. Arizona nodded and smiled, kissing Sofia goodnight before retreating to the couch. She took off her prosthetic and sighed, pulling the leather diary from under the couch cushion. She'd felt like a child hiding it away, but she'd felt safe tucking it under the cushions until she was ready to read it out loud. Callie closed the door to Sofia's room, smiling sweetly in Arizona's direction before crossing the room and plopping herself down on the couch.

"Out like a light. Must be all that chattering she did today." Callie said. Arizona was aware that Callie was trying to small talk until she opened up the floor for a real discussion.

"I'm ready to talk. Just...let me finish okay? You can say anything you want when I'm done, I promise. I just, I need to say everything." She stammered, relieved when a tanned hand wound its way into hers and squeezed tightly.

"Arizona, breathe. Of course I'll let you finish." Callie's voice was calm, soothing, supportive. It calmed some of the nerves Arizona was feeling. Arizona opened the book, snuck one last look up at Callie's loving gaze, and dove in. It was now or never.

"At first, I was going to read you everything I'd written in here. Except that that would be pointless. If I'm trying to get back to me, why would I bring back the memory of the person I don't want to be anymore?"

Deep breath, quick blink, Arizona's eyes refused to leave the paper.

"So here it is, everything I'm feeling. I wish I didn't have to write down the things I'm feeling, but if I don't I'm afraid I'll wimp out or get angry and keep it all inside, and you mean too much to me to let myself do that."

Arizona snuck a glance up, Callie's eyes were trained on her, taking in her every word, nodding supportively. The look of pure love in her eyes urged Arizona to continue.

"In the woods, I changed. Some parts of me will never be the same. That scares me, that I might never get back to who I was. I've always been someone who liked control, independence. And for those months after the accident, I felt like I had no control. Sometimes I still feel like my life is a ride that I am no longer in charge of. I can't punish you for that though. I can't punish you or Alex or anyone else for what has happened. It's life. It's unpredictable. And I realize that the only thing that's made my rollercoaster life worth living are the people I love. My parents, my brother, Nick, Mark, Alex...but most of all, Sofia and you. See I figure as long as I have you and Sofia, I can fight through whatever life throws at me. I'm not always going to fight through it well though. Sometimes I'm going to lose my patience and I'm going to lash out. But I am really, really working on that. I want to be better, to be better for you, and for our daughter. I'm not angry anymore, not much anyways. I'm not crippled with a rage I can't control or understand. I'm crippled with fear. I'm afraid all the time. There's little things, like I'm afraid to fall, afraid I won't be able to do long surgeries. But those are little, I can push through those fears. All the biggest fears, they're all about you, Calliope. You scare me, for so many reasons. Because I'm afraid you'll realize you don't love this changed me, that you'll decide a one-legged wife isn't as fun as a two-legged one. And before you disagree, I know it's irrational, I do, but I can't help it. I'm afraid to get close, I'm afraid to kiss you or hold you because if I let you get close I'm afraid that'll be what scares you away. And most importantly, I guess I just don't see how I can be sexy again. It's not all bad though, who I've become. I've realized in the last couple days that not all the changes are bad though. I have the opportunity to live each moment like it could be my last, because I know firsthand what it's like to be certain you were dying. I can spend my life cherishing you and Sofia because I get to be with you both. Mark didn't get that. He didn't get Lexie, or Sofia, or you. If I want to honor his death, and I do, because I loved him, then I sure as hell need to start living like I've got a second chance."

Arizona hadn't reached the end of her writing, but for some reason she stopped. Because suddenly she didn't want to speech, she wanted to talk. To discuss, to lift out of those pages and face the woman in front of her.

So she lifted her eyes, ripped them from the comfort of the pages, and dared to look.

She'd be forever grateful that she did.

**Callies POV**

Sitting there, watching Arizona fight back tears and struggle to breathe and she opened herself up was hard. Callie was torn, because part of her, like always, just wanted to reach over and tug the blonde into her arms, to shield her from it all. But she couldn't ignore the part of her that was hurt and insecure by the things Arizona had said and done when she hadn't been herself. As she stared at blonde curls that tumbled over shaking shoulders, Callie was aware that it was all very simple. Even if she was hurt, even if she was insecure, it was all so simple. She'd never love anybody the way she loved Arizona. Nobody had ever fought for her the way Arizona did, no one had ever made her knees weak the way Arizona did with just a smile. Insecurities? They could talk through those. They could work through Arizona's physical ones too. It was work that was worth it. Because when you found the love of your life, when a miracle delivered them back to you from the grasp of death, you didn't just walk away. So when Arizona paused, and looked up, her deep blue eyes wildly terrified and nervous, Callie just looked back, radiating all that love and confidence she was feeling. It was a strange shift for them as a couple. Arizona had always been the strong one, supporting Callie through family crisis', George dying, pregnancies and car accidents. This was one of the few times when it was Arizona who needed the support. And her wife was a type A independent woman, she didn't like relinquishing control to other people.

"Can I talk now?" Callie whispered quietly, offering a smile, happy when Arizona nodded and her shoulders stopped shaking.

"Perfect. Arizona, there are a million things I want to say. Good and bad. You're afraid all the time? Well me too. I'm afraid all the time because I spent the last months tiptoeing around you, and I am petrified to say the wrong thing and bring out that side of you that terrifies me. You said things that have hurt my confidence too. So maybe we're both a little broken and scared and messed up. Maybe the real solution here is that we start being terrified together, we keep working on this until you're not afraid to let me touch you, and I'm not afraid to ask you about what happened in those woods."

Arizona was nodding, blue eyes red with tears, but she didn't look away. It gave Callie the confidence to continue.

"We need to start again. Get to know eachother again, the way we used to know one another. I want to take you out dancing, I want to hold your hands at the movies, all the silly stupid things you do when you're first falling in love with someone because that's what we both need right now."

Arizona laughed and reached out to hold Callies hand, sinking her entire body into Callies. Callies wrapped an arm around Arizona and pulled her in, enjoying the feeling of Arizona cuddling up to her side.

"I already hold your hand, Calliope, we don't need movies for that."

Callie laughed and tipped Arizona's face up to face her own.

"Maybe I'll try for a kiss then." She murmured is a husky voice, risking a wink. Arizona smiled and blushed, looking perfectly adorable as she did so. Callie couldn't resist running a thumb lovingly over a pale, tear stained cheek. She was too amazed, every second, every day, by the woman sitting next to her. Arizona closed her eyes and buried her face into Callies neck, much like she always had.

"Mmm..Callie?" She murmured, not even bothering to move out of the crook of Callies neck.

"Yes?" Callie answered, running her fingers innocently up and down Arizona's far arm, lost in thought.

"I like when you look at me like that. It makes me feel a little bit less... insecure? Or horrible or something."

Callie didn't speak right away, because the idea that Arizona found herself horrible was awful. Because she was angry at the plane for doing this. Because she hated that she couldn't fix this problem easily. But when she did speak, she was sure on what to say.

"For the record, Arizona, you're always going to be the sexiest woman in the world to me. And if you ever, ever need a list of reasons, come to me."

She dropped a quick kiss on blonde curls for effect, before pulling Arizona impossibly closer.

"Because that list, god, that list goes on forever."


	14. Chapter 14

**Callies POV**

She was nervous. It was ridiculous, really. Being nervous about watching a movie with her _wife _in _their apartment._ But she was nervous. Arizona was due back from the hospital any minute, Sofia had been put to bed, and Callie was sitting there, waiting on the couch. She'd already put out the wine, already lit some candles, picked a movie. She got up to pace, because she felt like she'd been waiting for hours for Arizona to throw open the door and walk in. She smiled fondly at the night before. They'd cuddled for an hour before they'd started to drift off into sleep. They'd gone to sleep in the same bed, not wrapped up in one another, but not miles apart. It had been a slight shift, but it was enjoyable none the less. It was almost movie like, falling in love all over again with the person you already married years ago. The jingling of keys interrupted Callies thoughts, and the nerves kicked into high gear. Arizona threw open the door and walked inside, smiling tiredly in Callies direction.

"Bad day?" Callie asked, trying to hide the worry from her voice. Bad days were never good for Arizona, they brought out an angry side of her. Of course, slowly that had been changing, but Callie was still a little on-edge after everything that had happened.

"Mmm...yes. My body hurts. Like everything hurts. And I'm tired. And the kid didn't even make it."

Arizona plopped down on the couch and buried her head in her hands. Callie knew that she hated losing a kid. That before it had been planes haunting her dreams, it had been tiny coffins filled with lost children. She made her way to the couch and sat down next to Arizona, not sure if she should close the space between them. Arizona looked up and managed a weak smile in Callies direction.

"You look scared." She pointed out, her elbows resting on her remaining knee. When Callie didn't answer, she started to take off her prosthetic, casting insecure looks in Callies direction.

"You look scared too." Callie pointed out. Arizona didn't answer, she didn't need to. They both knew this was the biggest hurdle to leap over. Arizona's fear of letting Callie see what she perceived as weakness, and Callie's fear of pushing Arizona into an angry rage. It was what it was, they had to work past it.

"Well, I am scared. But that doesn't mean we can't watch a movie and have a nice evening."

Arizona offered a smile and Callie returned it, reaching for the remote to hit play.

They spent half the movie on their separate sides, kind of like teenagers on their first date. Neither really concentrated on the movie, they were both lost in deep thoughts. When Callie snuck a glance at Arizona, she noticed that she was dozing off, leaning her head uncomfortably on her shoulder.

"Hey, you're tired. We can watch a movie some other night if you want?"

Arizona silenced her with the most adorable glare.

"No. Don't be silly."

Callie didn't know what to do, so she crossed her legs and focused on the screen flashing in front of her.

"I don't know about you, Calliope, but I've never been on a first date where there was this much space between two people."

The joking tone Arizona used brought a smile to life on Callies lips. It was a wonderful reminder that even when she was tired, Arizona was no longer always angry.

"Yeah, you know, you kissed me before you even knew me, so I guess cuddling would be okay right?" Callie joked back, happy to see Arizona blush before lifting her head confidently.

"You were sad, and hot, and you wouldn't listen to me." Arizona said, shrugging her shoulders and raising her eyebrows. Callies stomach filled with butterflies. God, she was sexy without even trying.

"Then you turned me down." Callie remembered, laughing with Arizona, who's eyes were bright and blue as the ocean.

"You were a newborn!" Arizona defended, raising her hands in defense.

"Don't worry, I got you down the aisle in the end." Callie joked, throwing a wink in her wife's direction. Arizona's expression changed suddenly, from light to serious, and Callie fought the immediate panic she felt. Had she pushed too much? Flirted too much? Arizona laid a hand on Callies.

"Calliope, there isn't a day in my life where I've ever regretted marrying you. Or kissing you in that bathroom. If anything, I wish I'd met you sooner, so I could know you even longer."

The confession shocked Callie. Not because she doubted that her wife loved her, because it was clear that she did. It shocked her because her greatest insecurity was that after the accident, Arizona would wish she'd never met her.

"Really?" Callie whispered, not even bothering to hide the insecurity in her voice.

"Of course. And I'm sorry if you ever thought any different."

Arizona's blue eyes were easy to fall into. Callie loved looking into them. When she was looking into Arizona's eyes, time stopped. Pain stopped, the world just stopped miraculously and only they existed. It was amazing, really, to finally be looking into Arizona's eyes and see that it was her wife looking back.

"Would it be bad first date etiquette for me to kiss you right now?" Callie asked uncertainly, their faces inches apart. Arizona laughed, and the sound was like music to Callie's ears. It was like that song you wanted on repeat, the song that never, in all of its years, got old.

"Considering I kissed you before our first date, I'd say it's probably okay." Arizona offered, dimples popping and blue eyes sparkling.

Callie didn't waste a second in capturing familiar lips in a soft kiss. Arizona's hand found Callie's cheek, just as it always had. They'd kissed before, but this was different. This was a kiss that was free of insecurities and unspoken problems. It was just a kiss, a simple kiss, that lasted a little longer than it normally would because they were both desperate to stay like that forever. When Callie finally pulled away, Arizona's eyes were still closed, but a smile tugged at her lips, her hands never leaving Callies face. Callie tucked blonde hair behind Arizona's ear before planting the sweetest of kisses on her forehead and pulling Arizona into her. She wrapped her arms protectively around Arizona, smiling happily when Arizona wrapped her left arm around Callies waist. They watched part of the movie in silence, enjoying eachothers warmth, until Callie felt Arizona moving.

**Arizonas POV**

She hadn't been expecting them to have such a good evening. She hadn't expected to be set at ease by their light, careful banter. And she certainly had not expected one simple kiss to light such a fiery need inside her. As she sat there on the coach, her one arm draped over Callies stomach, she was very much aware of much she wanted to feel smooth skin, to kiss full lips. It had been so long since she'd thought like that that it was almost refreshing. Of course, she was conflicted. Because as much as she wanted to tip her head up and capture the lips she knew so well, she was also petrified to have it go any further. She knew Callie was still nervous. Once upon a time, Callie would have been tracing patterns all over Arizona's skin, setting her entire body on fire. But she wasn't doing that. She was just holding on, holding on like if she let go she'd lose everything forever. Cautious was good, Arizona respected cautious. She respected Callie giving up control and letting her call all the shots, it made her heart swell to know that Callie loved her enough to take everything glacier slow. Arizona was so lost in thought, so comfortable and close to sleeping, that she jumped when she felt Callie shifting out of their current position. Apparently she'd missed most of the movie, because the credits were now rolling, and a slow song was playing. Callie just laughed, jumping onto her feet and extending a hand out to her.

"What are you doing?" Arizona asked, raising her eyebrows. Callie just smiled a bright smile, a breathtakingly beautiful smile that Arizona couldn't help but stop and stare at.

"Stand up! This is a cute song, and you're equally cute, and I want to dance with you."

Arizona could feel herself blushing. She was blushing and smiling and as much as she wanted to just stand up and dance with Callie, she didn't have a prosthetic on and she most definitely could not do this all one legged. The sadness hit her like a brick wall, realizing she couldn't do such simple things. How had she ever complained about such small things? There was a time when she'd thought Mark interrupting their sex life was a huge problem. The things she would give, right now, in this moment, to go back to that place and not once complain. To laugh at Mark's intrusions and when he finally left, to take Calliope to bed and lose herself in her body. But that wasn't the case. Instead she was here, wishing she could stand up and dance, but knowing very well that she can't. Callie must notice the tears pooling in her eyes, because she drops onto her knees and holds her hands softly.

"Arizona, hey, look at me." Callie muttered, tipping Arizona's face up to meet her gaze. As much as Arizona wanted to look away, she found that once she was looking into soft brown eyes, she couldn't pull away.

"I can't do it." Arizona mumbled. She'd expected Callie to sit down next to her, maybe comfort her. She hadn't expected the frustrated sigh that escaped from Callie's mouth.

"No. Nope, NO! No shutting down." Callie shouted, her hands turning into fists as she bit her lip in frustration. It was strangely adorable, Arizona noted, if she wasn't yelling at her for not being able to stand on one leg.

"You can do it! I'm pretty sure standing is still possible, Arizona. It's not like I'm going to stand here and let you stumble and fall and then point and laugh! Stop saying you can't, and stand up on that beautiful leg of yours and let me dance with you!"

Callie's eyes were wide with two things: shock and fear. She stood there, open mouthed and adorably out of breath, as if she was waiting for the shoe to drop. That was when Arizona realized it. Realized that she could stand, that she could do it, she just needed to believe in herself as she once had. She'd almost lost Callie too many times; to breakups, car crashes and plane crashes. She knew with every fibre of her being that she'd regret not spending every moment she could wrapped up in the love she kept getting second chances at. So instead of shutting down, instead of getting angry, like she could see Callie was expecting, she stood up. Just like that. As if she'd never lost a leg at all. Of course, she was wobbly, and she had to stretch out her arms to get her balance, but she was standing. Callie's worried expression switched the beginnings of a beautiful smile that never quite crossed her lips, because Arizona was too busy leaning in to kiss her. If she'd been expecting to lose her balance from moving so quickly, she'd been wrong, because Callie balanced her, both physically and emotionally. It was a kiss so unlike the others. It wasn't afraid, it wasn't timid. It burned as wild as a forest fire and ignited every part of their bodies. It was a kiss much like the night after Arizona had told Callie she loved her, when they'd both been so completely in awe of one another that every kiss had been burned into their memories for all of eternity. Instead of pulling away when she got nervous, Arizona pulled closer, finally allowing their bodies to touch in a way that she now realized she'd missed desperately. Her hands found their way into Callie's thick dark hair just as it always had as she deepened the kiss, and she was both surprised and delighted when she felt Callie respond, pulling them impossibly closer. Arizona could have kept it going, could have kissed her wife all night, but she knew that that would lead to things she was not ready for. She wanted to fix their relationship, fix their sex life, properly. No shortcuts, no sloppy, horny, desperate actions spurred on by their first real contact in months. No, when they made love again for the first time, she wanted it to be right. To be confident, to enjoy every aspect and be sure that she wouldn't freak out. So that was why she pulled away to rest her forehead against Callie's, but keeping their bodies flush together. She'd never imagined a world where she'd be standing here, on one leg, still lucky enough to be holding onto the love of her life. She opened her eyes, and took in every curve of Callie's face, tracing lines in her mind, etching the image of the love of her life into her memory. When deep brown eyes finally opened and met her gaze, she found that she was still overwhelmed by the love and compassion she found there.

"I love you." Arizona whispered, and she'd never believed or understood anything she'd every said more than those three words. It was almost impossible to fathom that she could love somebody so much more everyday, but it kept happening to her. Callie's face broke into a wide smile, and tears fell from her eyes. Arizona brushed them away with her thumb, before leaning in to place a soft, sweet kiss on full lips.

"I love you too." Callie whispered back, laughing softly in relief. "And I'm sorry I yelled." She apologized, her fingers tracing lines up and down Arizona's back, sending shivers down her spine.

"I think I needed it. But Calliope?"

"Yes?"

"You need to stop doing that, with your fingers. It's distracting, and very, very sexy. And when we do this, I want to do it right. And then I want to do it all night long."

If Callie had looked sweet and kind before, she looked turned on and sexy now.

"I want to do it right too, sweetie. And for the record, I have no objections to doing it all night long, when the time comes."

Arizona smiled, and pulled back, wrapping one arm around Callie's shoulders. She took one hop towards the bedroom, and Callie instantly picked up on her thoughts. She felt familiar arms wrap around her, supporting her as they made their way to their room. They fell into bed, laughing and sneaking under covers. They met somewhere in the middle of the bed, happy to be once again in bed together the way they once had been. Arizona nuzzled into Callie's neck, content to breath in the scent of her wife until she fell asleep.

"For now, I just want you to hold me all night." Arizona whispered, pulling Callie's hand up to place a soft kiss on the back of it.

"I'll do that every night Arizona, no complaints here."

That's how they spent the night, wrapped up in one another, enjoying the closeness, and knowing, finally, that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was bright as could be.


End file.
